Phew.

I feel like I need to post something on here, but I don't know what I should even say.
I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life right now but God is helping me through it. It's still going to suck for awhile, but I'm slowly getting through this.
I can't wait to go home. I can't wait for the end of DTS in this aspect but until then I'll take this a day at a time.

I can't fight my own battles anymore.

Take back the years.

So I know I just posted a blog earlier today(Please read before reading this one, it will help explain things) but I have to write another one.

This afternoon in class, Karen just said that God was going to control the class. Phew..
So Josh Sinke started laughing hysterically in the spirit(something I hadn't experienced since sunday night days so I was a little reluctant to at first). Then Leah caught it and suddenly the spirit was just moving like crazy. Almost everyone in the entire room was struck by the Holy Spirit primarily in laughter. My school is "The school of joyful harmony" and so far we hadn't broken through in that.. And I think thats why the Holy Spirit worked that way. Anyways I fell down, but what was cool about it was that no one was praying for me or touching me, the Holy spirit knocked me down himself. Anyways, I started laughing really hard for a little bit, but then God started speaking.
He told me that now that my heart was at the place where He wanted it, He was going to release a part of His heart for India to place in my heart. I began to weep and weep and pray in tongues. I had asked for the Holy Spirit to move in a way that wasn't typical for me. Because of that, I didn't receive a vision, but my heart was just so burdened even thinking about them. I cried for a long time and no one prayed for me(God thing) until the end. This lady came over and started singing over me in tongues. I know this sounds crazy but somehow She was singing Hindi words. It was incredible. Ofcourse I didn't understand it, but I knew it was Hindi.
After weeping for a very long time, I was realizing everyone was laughing in the spirit except for me. God then told me it was His joy for me to begin to understand my calling and destiny, and thats the joy He wanted to give me.
Hahaha... however.. The rest of the group couldn't even make it all the way inside the gym because the spirit was so heavy on them. From four pm till 8:30 ish, people were completely slain in the spirit. Usually I get kinda like.. weird about that. But I didnt sense it was fake. The Holy Spirit finally started the freedom my school needed.
I was late to work duty, obviously, but God kinda snapped me out of everything around 6:30. I was going to the sub and in the field on the way I completely fell before the Lord. I felt like He said" I'm taking back the years the enemy has stolen." Wooo man.. I am so excited for that word. I feel like there has been 5 years of rebellion in my life and that the next five years God is going to give me alot of what I've missed in that time.

God is so good. So so good.

Blown away.

I cannot describe to you how I feel right now.
I am soooo... pumped.

Yesterday at the substation a group from an older DTS prayed for me, Johannes, and TaShonnTrenn. I don't know how to explain it except that the holy spirit just fell in that place. We were praying for my school. My school has gone through alot but there still needed to be a breakthrough in some people's hearts. God really burdened us three to be praying for those ones. So once we began to pray, God anointed us to carry this into our school.
Then we went to "Dwell" which is this worship prayer meeting.
The first major thing that happened to me was I started dancing and jumping during worship. Although this isn't that big of a deal to most people, it was the last thing that was holding me back from God. I was too afraid of looking stupid and wouldnt humble myself to act in the freedom of the Lord. It was the most freeing beautiful thing to completely be myself. I got this vision of this jewelry box being formed in my heart and God unlocking it and putting this crystal heart in it. I felt like the major things holding me back were finally all gone.
Then Johannes and I started to pray for certain people we felt like we were called to. I've never spoken with so much authority in my life. I was casting things out of people and just getting ridiculous revelations for them.
Then they asked us to ask how the Father was feeling for us and His heart. I layed down and just got the most overwhelming sense of joy. I couldn't stop smiling and people kept telling me how contagious my heart was and they could sense my heart after God.
Johannes, TashonnTrenn, and I prayed for another guy at the end to have this leadership anointing so that there would be one on each outreach team(Johannes and I to Thailand, TashonnTrenn to stateside, and Joe and Tyler to South Korea.) God gave me this word for him that totally made sense to me and I had no idea his thoughts about it. It was crazy..

Anyways today, the four of us decided to start meeting before every class until lecture phase is over to just pray. We did it this morning and I honestly felt like it made a difference.
I went up and shared my heart for the class: Running the race God has set before us and not just walking beside Him, but sprinting. Also not staying at the cross with our burdens but being set free from that spot. And not letting every situation be an emotional moment but a revelation. I just went full force and then more and more people kept getting words for my school and it started a whole ministry time. We also learned about healings today and God allowed me and worked through me to heal this girls breathing problems.

I'm saying all of this to testify that God is a miraculous God and can take any person and completely change their life around. This is only the beginning and God is already anointing me to speak into people's life with the authority and power that only comes from Him. I am so blessed that God would use me.

When the Holy Spirit moves, It moves.

I'm once again blown away by the power and might of the Holy Spirit.
Our teaching is on spiritual giftings this week. It's the first day and I'm already SO excited for the rest of the week. The speakers names are Mark and Karen DiBernardo. Just Karen spoke today and she was amazing. I definitely feel like I have a connection with her and I'm not sure what. I think she is going to tell me something by the time this week is over though.

In the afternoon class we prayed for people to receive the gift of tongues if they hadn't before. I've never seen the Holy Spirit move so quickly in this before. It was insane and actually very encouraging to see once again that the spirit is alive and well.

I also had a very good quiet time today. I'm finally getting to the point of getting over my anger and hurt and actually asking God what He has to say to me about this whole situation. Let me tell you, once you do that, God is always faithful to meet you. I took one step and He took ten(Should have listened to Leah days ago =[).
Anyways, I asked Him where I went wrong and why this is such an issue in my life. He brought things up that I hadnt ever particularly thought was involved in the situation. My eyes are starting to get opened.

It's getting easier to get through this. Everyday is a new day and I can only handle what that day brings me. But I honestly believe that's the place I'm supposed to be right now.

Honesty

This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.
The speaker ended up getting a tad better. He called me "Search the scriptures" for the entire week because I was the only one who did my homework of finding scripture verses.
I definitely admired his heart of compassion. We took a day and a half to talk about our relationships with our fathers. With every person, he would weep with them no matter how severe the situation. He really wanted to love on each person.

My heart has been very worn out this week. I had an insane amount of roller coaster emotions at all times. I've heard some pretty harsh honesty but the people who love me. I guess that's good but it doesn't take away the sting from it. In a way, I wish I could just go home and get away from this. In a way, I wish he just wasn't here. But most of all I wish I was just over this.

I get frustrated with myself because everything is always a huge deal to me. Nothing is ever a small issue or problem. I'm trying to take things to God and I know He is dealing with me. I just dont see the good in this yet.

It. Is. Freezing.

It's so ridiculously cold here.
I will wear my snuggie for the rest of lecture phase, if not both of them.

I havent updated lately because I'm not really sure what to say.

Going home for thanksgiving was amazing. I was so happy to see my family. It was almost a relief to go home. I was faced with some things I didn't think I would be faced with, but ofcourse God is always faithful.

Our speaker this week, Tom Harris, is causing a little bit of controversy in the classroom. I don't really understand what I think about what he is saying yet which is actually a very frustrating place to be at. It seems like most everyone knows what side they stand on, but both of good points. Oh well I gotta see through it somehow.
I think I'm sad because this week is supposed to be about the Father Heart of God and I'm not really understanding how it's all fitting in yet.

I'm getting really sad because lecture phase is over in two and a half weeks and then its outreach. After that, it's over. Leaving some of the people here is going to be the hardest thing ever. I've made the most amazing friendships here and it doesn't make sense in my mind that I wont see them everyday for a very long time.

Anyways, im freezing still.

Peculiar.

This weekend was so long, really emotional, and now I'm super tired.

Friday:
Friday was the commissioning service. We did the hip hop dance and like a bunch of people told me I was half black, which I think was quite amusing...
Then I went on an adventure to walmart, and then got ready for the lovefeast.
The love feast is kind of different here, it's actually a thanksgiving celebration for all the base and staff. So it's about 400 people or so, and the DTS actually serves the food and everything. It was pretty fun though. Afterwards we all went to the Sub for this guy Dustin's going away party. I hung out with Jordan and Kyle for alot of it, which honestly makes any moment 100 percent better then it was before.
I got incredibly hyper and Amy and I were just dancing and spinning around. We kinda got kicked out after awhile because it was just us there, and then we sat outside for an hour and a half laughing hysterically about.. nothing.

On Saturday, I woke up feeling like I got hit by a train. After brunch, I kind of had a complete mental breakdown.. which I guess is a good thing because I'm going home for thanksgiving. I didn't realize how much I needed to go home until I looked at the flights and got one. I'm so ready for a break and so ready to see my family. It will be really good.
After alot of drama, even with that, I went to Chiles for one of the most awkward dinners of my life. I ate like half of a billion things and waddled out of there. I then went to a Lecrae concert, who is an amazing Christian rapper. He was really fabulous.

And then today...
Today mostly consisted of four or five hours of doing staff peoples hair for Nick Allegretto's wedding. I was really freaking tired afterwards, however, I then climbed a broken down tree. You would think I could climb a tree on it's side, however, I can't even climb that. My sporty skills are pretty much nonexistent.
The speaker at family night was amazing. Her name was Elaine and she is kind of like a prophet lady. Some healings took place and just seeing her words of knowledge for people she has never met was insane.
My friend Charles started praying for me to receive more gifts. It was really cool because he was praying for me and switching between Korean and Tounges. He just prayed and prayed for me, and as soon as it was over patted my back and said, "Jesus love you" and walked away. I love Charles.
I guess the peculiar thing I'm still trying to figure out was the vision I got when Charles was praying for me. In the vision I was in the water and the moon was shining on me. I was wading through and people were following me through the water and I was trying to keep them in the light because it was guiding us. But it was obvious that we were trying to get away from something without getting caught. It reminded me of like Harriet Tubman or something. But it was a very clear thing..
I don't know what God is saying through it, so if you guys have any clue let me know haha.
Afterwards we had popcorn races at the substation(see facebook video) and I made binoculars out of IBC rootbeer bottles. It was beautiful really.


Goodnight world.

I really want to be home.

I just want to go home. =[

You dont make this any better. So stop freaking making it worse.

I love my life but not because of club night.

Welcome to my hair everyday. Hot mess.

My week has still continued to stay really good. One minor incident yesterday, but I'm good now. God's grace has been so sufficient for me! I have so much joy in Him this week, where as a lot of people are struggling.
Worship is going very well, except I think my voice is actually too strong. All those singers out there would be proud of my projection skills.

As soon as i get the music for the hip hop song, I'm going to try to put it on here some how. We think it might be a remix...

Relying on God.

I feel like often times I vent out on this thing and that it's never very positive. So I'm going to change that.

This week has been wonderful even though it just started. It's ministry prep week, therefore it's more like Kings Kids stuff. I'm in the fast hip hop dance which is so much fun. They put me dead front center for the first part which slightly makes me nervous, especially when I'm standing next to a good black dancer. Oh well, what do i gotta lose. Anyways, between breaks of learning, I just watch Esther booty dance which is probably the best thing ever.

In the afternoons we have TESOL(Teaching English... I don't remember the rest.) I'll be one of the english teachers when we go to the Lady Boy bars(Transvestites in Thailand). It's definitely going to be an experience.

At night time we have worship band practice. Because I'm the only keyboard player, I play in both bands and sing in one. It was pretty fun yesterday. I love playing the piano so much and they actually said I had one of the strongest voices in the group.

Esther and Amy are probably some of the most wonderful people I know. We are so much like my friends at home. We all have ridiculous nick names for each other. Some are planned out like CholESTERol and I'm trans fat and Amy is Tuberculous. We don't know why we said those names but that's alright. And pretty much whatever rolls of the top of our head when were talking to each other is what we say. Like My little Hot Panini or My spicy tuna salad. Esther has a slight obsession with poop and butts(actually i think I have the slight obsession, she is actually very obsessed.) and she is constantly making up nicknames with those. But don't worry, I wont go into those.

I'm really learning to rely on God this week. And it's been good.

If I had a beard, it would be better.

That is mister Olson =]
Let me finish up with some wonderful things that happened last week.
-We need to pray for heart conviction in other people, not just an open mind.
-Don't always think troubles are the enemy, God may be allowing it.
-Christians are like manure, when their scattered they do well, but if you stack them together, they stink.
-It's only the holy spirit who calls.
--The ministry doesn't call, they only confirm.
--If God calls you, you won't burn out as a missionary.
--God doesn't call you when your waiting around for a call. He calls when your busy.
-Don't always jump to conclusions by results. Continue to weigh the situation.

We also analyzed the story in Acts 16. It opened my eyes to so much of the mission field of things but it's too much to explain here in all honesty.

Here is my weekend:
Friday:
On friday night, after work, I talked with Esther and Amy for a long time and then went and had a two minute dance party with Kyle. Pretty much it existed of him and I bouncing around to techno music. Then, we wrote a song with Esther and Amy about a cheeseburger with no cheese. Jordan came over, and we planned football colors and everything for FOOTBALL saturday. And then we went to Cherry Hill and watched the stars =]

Saturday:
I woke up and went to breakfast, sporting my purple and black for my main boys Kyle and Jordan.

They played football and mostly I just sat there getting sun burned and randomly smiling and screaming. My boys wonnn!
Then I cut like 5 people's hair, which is fine, except that they would ask as soon as I would put my stuff away. Every single time. That's okay though.
Then last night we went to FatherHeart, which is the ministry for pregnant teens who get kicked out or similar situations. I was mixed with so many emotions. First, it's such a beautiful compound. It would be heaven for any pregnant woman to live there. Each room is themed and colored. It's three stories tall and is so comfortable and pretty. It kind of looks like an IKEA house. I realized how much I would love to make a house like that but for my ministry. I would love to have a house for prostitutes until they get up on their feet, but to make it beautiful like that place.
Another emotion that I had is just being so overwhelmed. These girls are fifteen and are about to have a baby. I realized it's only by the grace of God that I didn't get pregnant at that age. It was just ridiculous how hard it hit me. Anyways, we played gestures and had a bonfire which was fun. Last night when we got home, I was really emotionally drained and kind of upset so I went to bed.

I slept ten hours, had super sad dreams, and woke up with the worst headache. I guess I need to start sleeping with my retainer again. Hannah gave me the most amazing massage though, which I really needed, and now I'm wearing a dress Jimmy and Suzanne gave me. It's making my day a little bit better.

The small conversation that made my day.

"I miss talking to you divalicious." (me)
"Well talk to me Albino Rhino!" (Kyle)
"I am butt head!!"
"You are making me want to fight you in record time I guess I should say good job."
"Why do you wanna fight me =["
"Butthead??!! You started it!"
"It's all out of love!"
"Well let's have a love fight haha it's ironic."
"What is a love fight? hahaha."
"I don't know I've never had one. Maybe if we glue marshmallows to our hands and boxed that would count."

The simplicity of our conversations is pretty much phenomenal.

Mister Ollie Olson.

Mister Ollie Olson is our speaker this week.
Kinda short on stature, a little bit of a cute old man belly,
and a smile that fits the description of a grandpa's gentleness.
I love Ollie. He likes to look at people in the eye and smile at them while he talks to them. It's quite wonderful.
I don't really know the topic of the week honestly, but everything has been good so far. We've talked about God's plan for the ages and nations. We talked about God's provision and biblical background. We talked about how to interpret certain things in the Bible. We talked about Jesus's qualities, and Hannah and Samuel.
Here are just some key points of the week so far:

-In the beginning of the fall, Satan's first words were, "Did God really say that?". Often times whatever we fall into is caused by us questioning God.
-God's provision required God to be the instigator, and man to be the recipient, not the originator.
-Psalm 3:3-8
-Jesus was moved with compassion-Matt 9:3-6
-"May the lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering."
-There is always a price to pay in the calling you have received.
-In spite of time, locked religion, and terrible circumstances, God can move.

Tomorrow we present our testamonies for our DTS and SOW. And then next week we have to present a short devotional. I think I'm doing mine on compassion.

This week has been pretty tough(As you can probably tell from my explosion of the last blog.)I've been having some struggles with friends, one in particular. I guess in a positive note, I'm really having to rely on God to get through each and everyday.

I want to let you meet some more people who are my favorites:

Amy Lynn Peterson:


Amy is probably the girl that has seen me as me. I'm the most ridiculous person with her, like I am with Ana and Kimmie. It's so wonderful.

Kyle "K-Money" Money:
Pretty much, He has helped me get through this week.



Time for dorm Devos. More blog later.

Frustration.

I really could go home today.
I'm getting kind of sick of it here.
I love it here at the same time, but today nothing seems to make it better.
I could punch like 854093543 people. That's not Christian like but I really think I could.

Last attempt at insta-feel-better:
Mocha Peanut Butter Chocolate shake.

If that fails, who knows what's going to happen. Today is epic failure.

Chains are broken.

God is so good to me.

Last night we had a ministry time for our school. I think everyone in my school ended up crying at the end of the night. Two of my classmates went first, sharing that the deepest wound in them was the fact they were raped. With one of them in particular, the class just sobbed along with her. It was one of the most amazing things seeing God bring freedom and restoration unto someone else.
We then split up into smaller groups. For some reason I knew I needed to go with my school leader and Allie. My friend Kyle went first, and we prayed for him, and then I went second. I started talking about the girls from when I was 9, and the roots of my rejection. I then talked about the things one of my ex boyfriends told me that completely altered my thinking about myself. I began to share why I was involved in sexually immoral relationships and the reason behind it. All these things began to unwravel about how awful I thought of myself. I felt so degraded and used and not wanted at all.
Behind me was Roy Sandiford, who spoke some of the time this week(his wife spoke the rest). He just took me and hugged me for a really long time and just let me wail on his shoulder. My school leader and him spoke words over me and then made me tell Satan he had no place in my life anymore. Roy said he could see these darts in my head of lies that we're stuck in there, and so we prayed against those too. I felt something come out and off of me. I can't explain it. It's not like I was possessed or something, but this thing was physically on me. I just shook and shook for a long time and then it stopped. I never felt so free.
I know there are still issues I'm going to have to deal with and that it's not all over, but I feel like I attacked the root of my problem.
I went to breakfast without makeup on this morning. If any of you know me, that will explain it.

Dear Father,
I wanted to write you a letter, a letter from my heart to yours. I feel like I always do when I begin letters, having so much to say but can't find a way to start. Looking back on my life, I've had such a judged misconception of you. I thought you played favorites and that you only loved and cared for certain people. I thought you couldnt love me from the very beginning. Father I ran from you. I ran and hid like a game of hide and seek. I longed to be found but had no hope of it. I wanted someone to seek me out, but I felt like I could never be found. I continued to hide and bury my heart from you until I didn't even know where I had placed it. I covered myself with dirt, making myself filthy. I was so far gone, so desperately separated from the one who wanted me so greatly. But I began to not want you anymore. I thought if I had well enough, you wouldn't find me. I thought I could outwit you-The only one who knows me best. So many years of build up garbage over me completely consumed me. It was only a faint thought in my head that someone would love me, who would chase me, who would look through my lies and insecurity.
You never gave up until you found me.
You're the only thing I feel that loves me well enough to search after me. Sometimes I still feel so empty and alone. Sometimes you seem so far away. It's these times that I don't understand what is happening. But then there are moments when your love is so evident. I don't understand the mercy you have on me. I have done everything I can to run and hide. I've pushed you away. I've spat in your face. I've tried to manipulate you and I've taken advantage of you. but you always are there with open arms to welcome me back. You take my brokenness and completely restore me. How could a father love me this much? How can you be so unconditional? I love you my father and will for all of my days. I don't understand you many times, but i love the simple gentleness of your spirit and the wisdom you give to me. I love that your harsh with me when I need it but that it's completely out of love. Thank you for knowing the best for me even when I don understand it. Thank you for holding my hand through the darkness. You never left my side. I love you Abba.
Jules.

My dear Beloved,
Do you know what Beloved means? It means you are precious to me. It means that you have captivated my attention. There are million of girls I have created but I made you with a twinkle in my eye. You are one of my finest pieces of creation. I created you with a heart full of love. Everytime you look in the mirror, it pains me to know what you are thinking. Julie I see your pain and your hurt. I see what you think about yourself. This is a misconception that has been in your mind for far too long. i created you exactly the way I wanted you to be. From the inside out I was pleased creating you. With that in mind, I know you from your innermost being. Nothing you have ever done could separate my love for you. I've seen you through the most desperate times. Ive seen you cry yourself to sleep. I've seen every thought. It breaks my heart to know that you can't see yourself the way I see you. I long for you to the see the beautiful thing I've created. Jules, my love for you is neverending. YOu have broken my heart so many times, but with each time my heart only grows greater for you. I love you with a passionate love, something that is never still. I am consistent and the only thing that will be consistent. I am the only thing that can mend the wounds and holes in your heart. I created you whole and I will love you until you come to that place again. I have never abandoned you and never will. I have the most beautiful purpose for you-one you can't imagine. You are my daughter and when you run back to me, I will open my arms and give you everything you need. I am your protector and I will shield you from your harm. I only want to give you good things. I hear the desires of your heart and my perfect plan will give them to you in my timing. Trust in my wisdom.
My beloved, my beautiful princess, I will not leave you. I will be there to fall back on. I am here, and I haven't forgotten you. I love you and I'm proud of you.
Abba.

Pre-emotional breakdown.

The Divine Plumbline = Emotional wreck.

Tomorrow is our ministry day of what's happened in the week. I know I'll probably have alot to write after that, so I'm going to share what we've learned. I'm still trying to process it all, but I'll do my best.

Okay so if you don't know what a plumbline is(I didn't) it's that thing that you measure walls with to make sure it doesn't swing one way or the other. In our lives, the plumbline swings between rejection and rebellion.
Both rejection and rebellion cause us to build up walls against God. Huge amounts of deception are then put into our lives, swaying our belief and view towards everything. We have a love deficit that we are always trying to fill.

As they were talking about rebellion and rejection, I realized I completely sway towards the rejection side of things. I have alot of unresolved sadness because of betrayal in past relationships and feeling abandoned by ones that were close to me. Huge amounts of insecurity are built up in me, along with inferiority complexes and self pity/hatred. However, on the rebellion side, the thing that really stuck out to me was manipulation. I never thought I was a manipulator, but that I was the one always being manipulated. With them talking about manipulation, I realized I became alot of what I hated. "You become what you worship."
--The day we take responsibility for our actions is the day healing begins.
--Our reactions are the window to our hearts.

Yesterday we learned about our personalities and lusts of the world. I found out I have a compliant personality, which is incredibly unhealthy. I have the constant need to be needed. Sometimes I give so that I can receive something for myself. I take any sort of correction as rejection. I (have) given up principles in my life under pressure. When I don't get the attention that I want, I run away from the situation. And the only thing I'm looking for in my heart is God to fufill me.
--Hearing all this hurt me alot. I never realized how pathetic I really was. To see it written on paper affected me, because I saw it from the outside looking in.
We talked about how when our emotions get attacked by pain, we go to the pleasure to numb it. Ofcourse there were obvious bad pleasures I knew I had, but I got convicted with one, which is texting. As weird as it sounds, I felt really bad that I mostly communicate through it to people, and I think it's affected me being able to be open to a person...in person. My communication skills aren't that great. So.. No more texting serious conversations if I can help it.
Another thing- The guys in our group told us what they honestly thought of when they saw a girl dressed skanky. I've never felt so bad in my entire life.

Today we learned about the temple, the altar, and the wall of salvation.
At the altar part, I learned that unconfessed sin builds up our wall against God and makes a greater seperation. I learned the closer we are to God, the more aware of our sins we are. With the temple part, the thing that stuck out to me was: " Revelation for today comes when obedience takes place in the revelation from the day before"
-To me that was crazy, because that's something I've been struggling with. I have to follow through with the revelations that God is giving me in order for him to keep expanding.
In the wall of salvation, i realized that without spiritual revelation, there is no change in a person. When you become a real Christian there is EVIDENCE of it in your life.
Here is some other stuff from today that I got:
-The more you blame people, the furthur from healing you are.
-Unbelief will keep you from your destiny.
-No matter what you do or people do to you, your value stays the same.
-When you screw up, don't go to God with a "Dang it I blew it again" mentality, but recognize you sinned, stop feeling sorry about yourself, and cry out for God's help.
-The choice between temptation isn't between two things, but Jesus and the other thing. If you want Jesus, you will always choose the better thing for you.
-We think that when we forgive someone, it's making what they did to us okay. But that's not the truth.
(This is a huge thing for me right now.)


Today we also wrote a letter to God and let God write a letter back to us. I didn't think this was possible, but when God wrote his letter back to me, it was crazy. I didn't even know what I was writing, I was just writing. It was amazing. We read them to the class tomorrow, and I'll post it here then.

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest days of my life. If you got through all that, please be praying for me and my school. This is wearing us down alot.

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts.

Oh the past few days...

Last weeks teaching was ended very well.
-"God you are the God of knowledge. You know exactly what is the best thing to do. You are a God of wisdom. You know exactly how and when to bring forth the very best. You are a God of righteousness. You will do exactly the right thing. What you do will not be wrong. You are a God of faithfulness. You will not fail to do the right thing. You are a god of love. You are absolutely committed to bring forth the highest good. You are a God of loving kindness. You are desiring with all of Your Being to bring forth the best because of your loving kindness."
(This affected my thinking so much. These characteristics have seemed so vague about God to me before this week. Knowing these things and knowing that God wants the best for me puts me into perspective every time a situation happens.)
-God never gives you a burden to carry it on your own.
-True security is structuring your life around which is eternal and can't be destroyed or taken.
-Psalm 86:9-13:
9 All the nations you have made shall come
and worship before you, O Lord,
and shall glorify your name.
10 For you are great and do wondrous things;
you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
12 I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
and I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your steadfast love toward me;
you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

-God cannot be manipulated. You can't get something out of God by emotionally trying to trick Him.
-If you end up single, God is a God of love, and that is the best thing for you, because He wants the highest good for you.(Hugest wake up call ever.)
-Jesus is like an envelope and we are the letter that goes inside. If we outside of the envelope, we have no protection. We are completely vulnerable. The envelope is our security when temptation comes. How we get in the envelope is by thanksgiving and worship when temptation comes. And immediately get in before emotions kick in.
-We don't need to have the victory for tomorrow, we're not there yet.
-Patience pursues a goal without regard of times, because the value of the goal is better then the time being spent pursuing it.
-No one who is abiding in Christ is continuously sinning.
-The Christian has determined to avoid sing and quickly responds in brokenness if they disobey God. Our response to sin shows if we are really a Christian. Christians immediately deal with the sin.

This weeks teaching is called the divine plumb line. It's only the first day and i'm already getting a little overwhelmed. God told me in the beginning of my dts areas that He would deal with me in. Let's just say ALL of those are going to be dealt with this week. Oh boy.

It's been a really good thing to fall in love with Jesus, which is something that's been happening lately. I'm realizing how much He needs to complete me before anyone else can. I can see my confidence already changing alot. When Jesus tells you that you're pretty every morning, you don't need anyone else to.

For more of my everyday stuff and whats happening...
On saturday during the day, I went and cut hair at a harvest carnvial at a local church. I absolutely adored it, which was awesome because it really increased my heart and compassion for cutting hair out of love not money. My favorite part was this little boy who was dressed up like the hulk. It was windy, and so his hair kept flying in his face like a beard. He decided his name was the bearded hulk and created a theme song for himself the entire rest of the time I was doing his hair.

On saturday night was the boo bash. I missed my friends so much. I was really crazily dressed up like a peacock, and I think alot of my school didn't know what to do with me. But that's alright. And I wanted a dance party, but no one was dancing and I felt awkward. So my friend Amy and I went behind this huge tree and did all of our craziest dance moves. We looked like idiots, but it reminded me of what I do with my sister Kristin. It was actually exactly like that.
Amy is probably the only person on my DTS who has seen that side of me. But since she has seen it now, probably it's going to come out more.

Today we were sitting at the table during lunch and Chan walked by. Chan is this three year old asian boy. Hannah thought we said John, but we said Chan, so Nathan went off on changing Chan and John in everything he could think off. My favorites were Long Chan Silvers, and Chanson and Chanson. The things he and Shelby come up with are always crazy.

Today we also had casting, where they choose what we're doing for outreach dramas and dances. It was really embarrassing, but I just went crazy anyways. I've always loved acting anyways.

Anyways.. time for a nap.

The character and nature of God.

We are learning about the character and nature of God this week. Our speaker is Larry Allen, who is also the school of the Bible teacher. He is amazing. When the class starts to get tired, he runs into walls. He gives us four breaks every session and talks like my dentist, Dr. Reynolds. His wife also made us cookies.

The first day we started talking about this, He stopped in the middle of teaching and just looked at me and smiled and asked me what my name was. After I told him, he said, "Julie, God just has such a wonderful plan for your life." and kept teaching.
This is like the third time someone has done this out of the blew here. It's kinda freaking me out a bit.

Anyways, it's been a really good week of learning, which is nice since I can't remember anything from last week. Here are some points that I picked up:
-We shouldn't just love God, but we should like Him too.
-Love is size independent.
-God has intellect and a will, and uses both for everything He does.
-To be emotionally in check in a relationship is to live in reality and not look to 25 years in the future with that person.
-It's better to walk in purity the first time around.
-Eph. 5:1-2
-The basis of choices we should make are not of emotions but the understanding of what is most valuable to do.
-Our will, the truth, and our intellect should drive and direct our emotions.
-When you choose an action, you also choose the consequence that is inseparably attached with the action.
-"God has grace, but not stupid grace."
-God judges the intention of the heart but the evaluation of love should be by commitment.
-God doesn't show partiality.
-The righeousness of God is the expression of the love of God. If God wasn't righteous, He would neither be loving.
-Jeremiah 31:3

So those are just the highlights of alot of good teaching we're receiving this week.

On a whole other scale, God is doing so much in alot of other areas as well.

Yesterday I got a vision during a short worship time. In my vision, I walked down an aisle and went into an elevator. When I started going up, I went past a vision i've had while being here(When I was dancing with Jesus.) and went to the next level. When we stopped there, everything was dull, faded, and gray. It looked kind of like a revolutionary war scene. Then God took my hand and we started to touch things, and when we did, color was restored to them. We started picking up dirt and ashes of the ground and forming them into things. In my vision, i wasn't crying, but very intently focused on what I was doing, and making sure I did it correctly.
-I feel like God is saying that He is going to give me the gift of making dull and lifeless things into something beautiful. But not just through cosmetology. I feel that He really will help me turn ashes into beauty.

God is also dealing with me in some other areas. Last night in dorm devotional, Allie Pile(one of my favorite people ever) gave a teaching on the romantic side of Jesus and the reason why we have a time of being single before we're ready to get married. It sucked hearing alot of what she had to say, but it was so good at the same time. She read something off the internet, and as soon as I get it i'll post the link here. Anyways, one of the reasons why we're supposed to be single now is to actually prepare ourselves for marriage. If we don't love ourselves, and don't love our Jesus, then how can we one day love a man? And if we aren't fufilled with Jesus now, when we get married, we will still be just as lonely as before.
I'm kind of rambling but so much was loaded into my brain that it's kind of hard to remember.

On a lighter note, I got my feathers for my peacock costume for the boo bash on Saturday night. Pretty excited.

I don't understand

why Nathan is singing I want a hippopotamus for Christmas.
He really likes it too. Gross.

Shelby and I went to the mall yesterday. It was pretty fun except all the girls here are tall and model skinny or scene girls. It was freaking me out.

My birthday dinner was pretty interesting. All the tables were split up so that sucked. And then some people left without paying, which wasn't very nice of them. But that's alright. It went by really really quickly.
But afterwards was nice. No wild boar hunting, because we don't have a gun. We talked to Wes about it at lunch and he said we need a gun.
I told my mom to send me a machete.

I'm probably going to sleep. Nathan's guitar playing is making me tired.

The teaching this week.

I haven't really updated on the teaching part of this week mostly because there wasn't much to update on.
There was a lady who spoke, who had alot of good things to say, but was kind of scatter brained so it was hard to understand. I didn't get much out of it just because I couldn't follow her.
But then yesterday, her 70 something year old father came and spoke. He was absolutely amazing. I love old people and he was just the best old man ever. He was really interesting. It was hard to kinda follow him because he thought we knew all this stuff from the other days but that's okay.
His daughter is the singer Twila Paris =]

Probably one of my favorite things that he talked about was that God doesn't test you over information you don't know. So he wont give you something you couldn't handle. I know that, but it's always good to hear it.

For fun things,
Shelby and Nathan discovered that yearbook site where you crop your face into old pictures. It was amazing.
Also, I got the entire class to make a mustache out of their pen like I always do. It was actually really amazing. I was doing it with K Money and Shelby and my leader is talking in the front. He completely stops talking about what he was and tells everyone to try to do the mustache thing, and then he attempts to do it. It was the best.

If you know me well, pray for patience. Some drama has been coming around lately. Not huge issues, but I guess everyone has finally gotten to know each other. Oh boy.

My wonderful 18th birthday.

My birthday was absolutely fantastic and way better then I had imagined it.

I woke up and didn't go to breakfast so that I could get ready. I ate breakfast on my bed in honor of traditions.
We had intercession at 8 which was really good. God spoke alot to our little group. And my one on one, Leah, bought me a balloon and flowers. It was super sweet.
So I get to class, and everyone sings me happy birthday and gives me hugs.
We do the teaching(Which I think ive gotten about two points out of, but that's another story). After we went on break, one of the leaders brings me a cupcake!
The whole class sings happy birthday again..then in Korean..then in Chinese..then in German..then in Portuguese..then in Spanish..
It was amazing. My school leader was dancing around in the front for me and everything.

After lunch some of the staff took me to dairy queen and bought me ice cream.
Then I opened all my presents in the nursery with my close friends. I got so many amazing gifts, especially my cheetah snuggie. It's the best thing I've ever seen.

We had more class time, and my other friend bought me another snuggie, which is pretty fabulous. Then dinner and work were pretty normal.
I got many phonecalls from friends which was nice.
We had dorm devo's, or dorm divas(which is what I call them). We talked about the power of the tounge. Each of us was instructed to bring an object from our rooms. Ofcourse I brought my snuggie.
Then we had to create a story about taming the tounge. I made this whole story about how my roomate smelled like a wild cheetah and helping her smell better with lotion and plugging my own nose with a close pin. It was amazing.
And after that I went outside and it started raining. It was just perfect.

Everyone made me feel so special. It was wonderful.

Looking back.

Today is my last day of being a "Kid". It's really weird for me to think about. I'm not freaking out as much as I thought I would, but nevertheless, I still am freaking out. I think everyone on the whole base knows it's my birthday tomorrow.
On Saturday, the girls want to take me on some hike thing. I told them I don't do hikes but if they wanted me to I would. I think we decided to go wild boar hunting at night instead. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not.

So I decided to write some of my favorite memories of my 17th year.
-My 17th birthday: I looked like a flapper.
-No pants Jane and running down her street at midnight.
-My trip to San Diego: The night I went with Suzanne and Jimmy to Amy's house.
-December 26th: The snow in front of this guy John's house.
-New Years Eve: Prancing around and doing fire dances with Sarah.
-The reactions I got my dying my hair brown.
-Cow tipping attempts with Ren and Nicole.
-Ren and I sneaking in and attacking Jonathan and Zach inside Jonathan's house.
-Ana's 18th birthday: Dancing with all my friends.
-Graduation.
-Fourth of July: Being so hyper with Kristin and Ana. FIREPOWER!
-The resort in the Philippines.
-Twilight princess nights with Justin and talking about ridiculous things.
-Last night: Running from Landon the boar and star tripping.

Probably there are a million more but those are my favorites.

I should probably explain why last night was one of the best night's I've ever had. Pretty much star tripping is this game where you look at a star, spin around 10 times, and then someone shines a flashlight in your face. When this happens, you automatically fall over. This game was super fun until Johannes, our fellow German teammate, told us about the stick game..
The stick game is where you hold up a stick and look at the very top of it. Then you spin around for 15 seconds, and after you do that you throw the stick on the ground and try to jump over it.
Shelby was the first person to do it. However instead of falling over or something like people usually do, she sprung forward on all fours and dove straight into the grass. I literally almost peed in my pants because I was laughing so hard.
Oh man. I'm laughing just thinking about it. I definitely have new games when I get home.

Oh and I'm a spider smasher because I killed what we think was a brown recluse in the girls bathroom this morning. Beastlyyyy.

Hey gurl.

So I lied, my birthday is on wednesday.
We'll be eating at Nick's on saturday night,
and Shelby is making me a cheesecake.

Last Saturday night we went to Bella's.
Or you could say we took a big trip to "Walmart".
Anyways, we watched the Proposal,
but Nathan, Hannah, Zach Apple, and I decided to leave like an hour earlier then everyone else. Somehow we got really lost in Tyler Texas and got back half an hour later then everyone else. Whoops..

Yesterday I had a really long talk with Shelby about life. I love that girl so much and she has helped me through alot these days. She is such an interesting person.
We both decided that we're scared to run at night because wild boars might chase us. Let me tell you, they are alive and well and WILL chase you around the base. I thought this was all a joke but it really isn't.

The weather is freezing again. Fanfreakingtastic.

We start a new topic today. But I don't know what it is.

Pretty much it's really hot.

This weather is possessed. More then El Paso.

The past two days have been pretty uneventful.
Yesterday was all base work day and I cleaned out gutters for five hours.
It wasn't that bad, just climbing on roofs and getting mud thrown on your face.
Half of my DTS had to actually get in the water and go "Cat tailing" where they get out all the bushes and plants growing in the lakes.
20 people+ freezing weather + Machetes = scary.

I got really homesick yesterday and a little today. I think it's just starting
to hit me that I'll be here for a long time.

We watched Kung Fu Panda and Reign of Fire last night.
Reign of fire was awful because I kept falling asleep and Nathan would tap me
and i would wake up to Dragons blowing fire on people. It wasn't so fun.

Today has been pretty relaxing honestly. I hate saturdays though because they have
brunch at ten, and by lunch time I'm already really hungry. It sucks.
Tonight we're going to this chic Bella's house I think.. Should be nice to get off the base.

I'm pretty excited about my birthday on Sunday.

Now I'm just sitting at the Sub, no one is here, and I'm in
awe of Chris's espresso making skills.
I wonder if I smell like coffee and popcorn everyday because of this. Thank
goodness for Marc Jacob's Daisy coming in!

Meet some of my school.

http://www.ywamtyler.org/index.php/videocast012.html

=D

New white dress.

We talked about sex, lust, and purity yesterday.
During the morning class, I'll be honest, I was not okay.
For some reason I was really upset and uncomfortable during class.
I felt complete conviction but complete condemnation at the same time.
I couldn't go to lunch because I just needed to pray,
so I did.

I got convicted of just modesty issues and leading other guys into
lustful situations. Sometimes I didn't know that I would but sometimes
I really did know.
I guess people had always told me not to make guys "stumble" or whatever
but for some reason it all the sudden made sense to me.
After repenting over that and a few other things, I felt alot better.

Kyle and I made some brownies.. they were really tasty.

Then last night we had a ministry time about this week and praying for
purity and praying for struggles.
I didn't necessarily feel that I had to repent anymore, but again, I felt
condemned and not worthy for the future.
So I prayed with Leah. Man, Jesus knows what He is doing when He puts you
with small group leaders. She was able to pray for me, listen to me, and counsel me.
I gained this confidence, I guess you could call it, that God will help take care of me. That I don't have to be and will not be the person I was. I realized I can be a woman after God if that is my desire and nothing has to hold me back from that.

I got to put on my new white dress and go dancing with Jesus.

Foundation lesson number three.. Purity.

Marriage is what brings us together...today.

We've been talking about relationships and marriage.
I've always just wanted to be married because in my mind it would have no problems.
Then my mind switched a couple months ago, and I didn't really want to get married soon because
alot of problems do happen.
Nonetheless, I love marriage again.

For one, I just like this verse:
Ezekial 16:
Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.
" 'I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you.
I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments.
I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.

Hooray for nose rings and looking pretty.

I learned to not put up false expectations. I guess that's one thing I always thought of.. I always expected marriage to be perfect and I guess lately I expected it to be full of problems. Then we talked about the differences between guys and girls and all that stuff. It was just interesting.

Oh.. Some interesting facts.

1/30 couples who worship together and go to church together divorce.

1/300 couples who pray together daily get divorced.

1/3900 couples who go to church together, pray together daily, are real Christians, and do premarital counseling, divorce.

Obviously we need God in our relationships.

------------------------------------------------------------------

We had prayer time in the chapel yesterday as well. God gave me this verse in Isaiah 42.

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him
and he will bring justice to the nations.

² He will not shout or cry out,
or raise his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

⁴ he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
In his law the islands will put their hope."

This is what God the LORD says—
he who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it,
who gives breath to its people,
and life to those who walk on it:
"I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

That spoke pretty loud and clear with me about my calling.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I love my small group. We're all completely different people but it's fantastic. Leah, Allie, and Katy are the funniest people i've ever met.

And for other news, there were birds in our chimney and on our posts in the girls lobby that kept dive bombing at girls as they would walk into the bathroom. Not gonna lie, it was pretty fantastic.

The past few days.

Sorry I haven't written. I really just haven't had the time.

My weekend was really good. I went shopping and bought a pair of jeans, two shirts, a dress, and a scarf for 23 dollars. Fabulous. The mall is one story and I can run across it in like 5 minutes but that's okay. It was the most exciting thing ever to get out off the base.
We watched aladdin on saturday night. hooray.

On Sunday night we had some very special visitors from China. I'm not allowed to say names, but it was so phenomenal I cried. We had to sing in a choir for them, and that was pretty fantastic.

Lets see..
This week we're talking about relationships. I'm pretty excited especially because Elaine Allegretto is speaking. It's going to be good.
Last night was creative offering, which is a night that we offer any talent or gifting we have to God. So i played my piano song and no one had heard me yet. I was really nervous and messed up alot but everyone loved it. My school is so talented with singing its ridiculous.
I'm really tired all the time. I have slept through breakfast about four times now and I'm running out of breakfast food... whoops. And last night I dreamed about zombies and it freaked me out really bad.

Oh well. I'll post more about what ministry stuff happens this week later.

I miss everyone at home so much.

Just some pictures.

Meet Nathan, the guy who has changed my view about the rest of the guys in the world.
Meet Leah, the girl who has brought me through this past week.
Meet Hannah and Shelby, the best girls ever.

Filling of the Holy Spirit.

"Don't judge the rest of your life by your circumstances today."

Yesterday we talked about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts. The speaker was the school of worship leader who is a really fantastic person. He focused on so much of the Holy Spirit(I think I took four pages of notes) and all different aspects of it.
I really enjoyed it because he didn't just speak about spiritual gifts, but the reason behind it and the reason why we need the Holy Spirit. Every point was backed up in scripture and it was just awesome.

During the prayer chapel time, I was under alot of spiritual attack. I was dealing with alot of jealousy issues and I felt like my insecurity was coming back. Everytime I give something over to the Lord it's as if something is thrown back at me. Anyways, I just continued to pray and press in to the worship time.
Even though everyone was praying about something else, God already started to speak to me about what He wanted to give me that night.
I felt like God wanted to take out my spirit of timidity and give me a spirit of boldness. However at the same time, I felt like God was telling me that my spirit needed to be at peace at all times unless He was the one who stirred it up. If my spirit was at peace, I could hear the Holy Spirit and hear what He had to say to me whenever. I felt like He was saying i was going to be able to give words of knowledge and when I did, I could say them boldly and with confidence.

I finally talked to my parents, thank the Lord. Even though everything went well, it was hard to go straight into teaching and worship.
I still tried to press into worship. I just closed my eyes and began to pray. Some staff members came over to me and started praying for the filling of the spirit. Nothing outwardly "intense" happened to me that I hadn't experience or anything, but the staff member Katy began to tell me what she felt like the Holy Spirit was saying.
"I feel like you have the freedom but you wont accept it. God wants to give you the freedom, and then use your hands to bring freedom to others and bring freedom to places."

I fell on my face and just layed there. It hit me then how much I was forgiven again. I knew I had been over the past few days, but I guess I was still worried about something. I layed there without opening my eyes and just asked God to change my eyes to see something different and new about myself. I asked God to change my eyes to not judge others but to see the beauty in them. And when I opened my eyes I really felt it.
I don't know if its because I don't really care about how these people think of me, because they love me, or if it's God yet. But I just feel great here. I feel great about how i look. And I don't think its a bad thing as long as I'm not proud. It'a good feeling not to hate yourself.

So my foundation is still being built.
-The love of Jesus and how much He does.
-Forgiveness of yourself and others
-The Holy Spirit living in you.

Forgiveness.

Yesterday we talked about unforgiveness and forgiving others.
Our speaker was from New Zealand.

A few things that God spoke through him to me during the teacher were..
-We want someone who speaks the languages of our heart.
-God isn't a record keeper of my sins.
-You're either set free from your sins or your bound by them.. Those are the only two options.
-The people who are quick to forgive are quick to get blessings from God.

My day progressed and I was slightly frustrated with just different aspects of my day. I kept talking to people who were worried about knowing what they had to deal with that night. I couldn't think of anything that would really upset me so much. I thought I wouldn't be crying or having a hard time but boy was I wrong.

I started to write a list of a few people I felt maybe I had bitterness towards. I asked God to reveal everyone who I really had an issue with. Before I knew it I had written a whole page of names covering it.

A few of my friends started confessing aloud the people they needed to forgive. I was so proud of them and tearing up just because I knew how much it meant to them and the Lord that they were forgiving those who hurt them.

I guess a few tears just set me off. The speaker called out different groups of people we needed to forgive, and one of them was friends and ex boyfriends/girlfriends. It suddenly hit me how much bitterness and even hatred I had towards people.
I started to forgive these girls who called me fat when I was 9 years old.. The girls who changed my perception about how I looked for the rest of my life. I didn't even really know that was such an issue until I started crying my eyes out about it.
Then I began to forgive every ex boyfriend.. Every guy who used me.. Every guy who had hurt me. I prayed that they would become men of God. I prayed they would find women who will love them and cherish them. I prayed blessings over the ones who tore me apart.

Leah came over to me and hugged me trying to comfort me. I thought it was all over until she asked me a question that changed everything.
"Julie, did you forgive yourself yet?"

Oh sweet Jesus, He made the tears come harder. I never knew that was my issue. I've had so much insecurity, so much hurt, and such a hard thinking of myself because I never forgave myself for my sin and past mistakes. It was hard for me and I couldn't for a long time, but I finally voiced out loud that I wasn't holding condemnation against myself anymore and that I forgave myself because I knew the Lord did.

Once again, I felt a release..

Just one glance of your eyes.

Yesterday was a really intense day of teaching and worship.
This guy named Wes Chapman, who looks quite like my brother, did the teaching.
He was so passionate about talking about the brokeness of God.
He explained that God would take physical suffering of bearing the cross everyday over
the emotional suffering and grief he goes through everyday.

Earlier, God had already told me to read Song of Songs. I kept reading so much and just felt like God was directing me there.
During the worship time after the teaching we sang that song Majesty

Here I stand,
knowing that I'm your desire,
sanctified by glory and fire.

I had never felt like God desired me before yesterday. I felt needed and wanted and that God was pursuing me.
I mailed a very important letter. It was so hard but I know will be good. Thank the Lord for Nathan.

During my work duty, I played with this little girl from Africa who is named Maddie. She is the most beautiful child in the world and for some reason I just saw Jesus in her. She blessed my heart.

We had another worship time around 3 in the prayer chapel. I already felt such a release from the other night. God kept giving me words for people that made sense to them and where what they needed.
He gave me a vision of a ribbon. One string was being pulled out of the ribbon, and one by one the whole thing began to unravel. It didn't stop until a knot was put at the unraveling.
I felt like God was saying one temptation can start the whole process all over again, and until God knots our lives, and stops the root of the problem, we will continue on the downward cycle.

I've made two new good friends, Kyle and Max. I've been able to talk to them alot about their lives and minister to them, and in return God has given them alot of insight. The guys here are phenomenal. They are so tender hearted, at least to me, and are sensitive to what they say to me.

Then last night we finished up the broken heart of God. We were instructed to ask Jesus to do whatever He wanted to with us. Then Wes began to read from a doctors perspective of the actual physical pain Jesus went through on the cross.
I wept bitterly. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. During parts of it I was practically gagging. I saw it all in my head and saw exactly what Jesus actually went through.
By the end of it, pretty much my whole school was just weeping out to God. We didn't understand why He did it for us. At that point Wes told us to ask Jesus why He did it.
I can't even explain what happened next, but I lifted my arms out to Jesus and I felt him hug me. People always say that if you were the ONLY person on the earth, He still would have done it. I never understood that before last night. I'm worth something to Jesus and I'm worth everything to Jesus.

God is completely tearing down my foundation for everything and building it back up. I'm starting over in a complete new way and really in everyway.
I'm starting over so my foundation is solid.

Last night was the beginning of the foundation:
Knowing the love of Jesus and to the extent he does.

I finally returned to my first love.

What can I do with my obsession.

Today we talked about the intention of our hearts.
Pretty much the whole thing is summed up in this:

"To the degree that you respond to the conviction
of the Holy Spirit, is to the degree you will conform
to the image of God."

Tonight we had a bonfire where we wrote down on pieces of paper
or brought actual things and threw them in the fire. I knew exactly
what I was going to write down on the paper, and I confessed in front
of my whole group sins and idols that I have put before God.
I was completely filled with peace and completely broken and vulnerable to the Lord.
I never had felt such two extremes.
The staff and my surrounding classmates were so supportive.. So loving and tender..
Jesus was shown to me through them.

This is only the beginning,
but with full confidence I will never be the same after tonight.

I'm just really sleepy.

Yesterday ended up being a very good day.
I met my small group. We went out and got some coffee at Rockwells and then this really tiny girl with the fastest metabolism ever decided to buy two pizzas. So we ate them. It was pretty fantastic.

Leah is my small group leader and it's the best. We already have like three one-on-ones planned on where we are going to go. I didn't even know she was a licensed cosmetologist, so now my hair problems are handled! hooray! Anyways I got this really soft teal blanket and its the best.

Then we watched the Newsies and I wore my newsies hat in honor of it. I missed being with Ana and singing all the songs and debating with her whether Christian Bale was hot or not. We watched Terminator 4 which is always awful. Well both times I've seen it.
It was a very nice movie time I gotta admit.

On another note, it's been raining for like 24 hours straight and has made me completely just want to lay in my amazing blanket all day and drink coffee. Which luckily, I can do for most of the day. Well.. Once I make coffee. I got the blanket and Nathan guitar thing down so far.

Kim, I really just want to eat cheesecake with you and drink coffee like pre preganancy pre me leaving days. =[

Free days.

Not a fan.

Not one bit.

You are beautiful my sweet sweet song.

I haven't updated in a few days so there is alot to say.

I will start with the most exciting news ever. I'm going to Thailand for my outreach! It is so amazing to me how much God provided this for me. For the past couple months Thailand has been on my heart. Yesterday they announced the outreach options. Before they did that, I had taken a nap. The first thing I heard when I woke up was,
"You're going home."
I knew what God meant and I knew I was going to Thailand or India.
I also got a vision of three pillars, and the middle pillar was way above the other ones.
So I go into class and I was freaking out because I knew what was coming. The leaders go up and announce they are going to Thailand and working with prostitution and child trafficking. I started tearing up and just became so excited.
Also, thailand was the middle country they talked about going to.
I freaked out and was just soooo excited. I knew right away where God was going to send me.

My team is 17, which makes the other teams to South Korea and the States only 8. It's going to be interesting, but three of my really good friends are going for sure: Hannah, Shelby, and Nathan.

Other things i've been learning...
Yesterday this man came and talked to us about Health and how to put it in a godly way. Alot of people thought it was silly/dumb, but it actually really spoke to me. We need to workout/eat healthy/etc because God has called us to take care of our bodies and be healthy to hopefully gain more years to work for the kingdom of God. It kinda struck me because so much of my health and looks issue are rooted in selfishness.

We also learned about quiet time, discipleship, and intercession. All three things ive known about for forever, and God still spoke to me in crazy ways through them. I've been having beautiful quiet times just being focused on God and listening to Him.
Today during the intercession topic, the guy who was speaking started talking to me while he was speaking and just saying God has something for me and God was going to use me in great ways and all this stuff and then kept on talking with what he was saying. He was probably just giving an example, but God spoke directly through him to me.

-On practical notes, I think I'm actually losing weight because they have a phenomenal salad bar here. Or it could be working out with Hannah in the mornings.
-Last night we had a welcome party, that was like a middle school dance. It was hilarious.
-I turn 18 in 19 days.
-My work duty job thing is amazing. I love Dennis and T train, and we constantly are having dance party sing offs.
-My school has like 10 people so far that I know have amazing voices. It's insane.
-God speaks through wind.

Amen.

My mind is pretty much blown.

By today.

We had a teaching on worship today and I really got alot out of it. I never realized how reverent and in awe I should be while I worship God. He is so worthy of it and I never give Him enough honor. I need to acknowledge Him and grow deeper in Him. During the morning time God really told me to search after Him, and that's when I'll find him. When I dig deeper then I know how.

So tonight we had a worship time that was really amazing. We paired up with the school of worship which is always really amazing. God has definitely anointed them.
Anyways, they made a prayer "Tunnel" sort of thing, where the SOW went on both sides and made a sorta tunnel thing and we walked through it while they prayed for us. After coming out of it, I started singing in tongues which is something I've never really done before or always felt silly doing. I don't think I've ever sung so loud in my life. I was praying for people and got a word for a girl, which was really encouraging.
Then I sat back down and my friend Nathan came and started praying for me. He prayed for me along the lines of saying God was going to break me until I couldn't survive without Him holding me together. I guess thats always been a hopeful thought in my head but I didn't exactly want it.
So I started to pray for that, and I really physically felt a melting of my heart.

"My beloved, you have lived in despair for too long. Taste the freedom I want to give to you."

I didn't even want to cry and be emotional for once in my life. I shed a few tears, but I couldn't stop smiling until the worship was completely over. My jaw literally felt like I couldnt move it from a smile. I felt joy and completeness like I never have felt before.

God really showed me areas that He is going to change on this DTS, but I'm almost thrilled about it. I want God to change me and mold me in anyway possible.

Excitement.

Today starts my first official day of D.T.S.
We have base prayer in like an hour and then have orientation for the rest of the day.

I love all the people here. Everyone is so friendly and inviting. I've made quite a few friends.
Meals are pretty much always interesting, especially if Nathan is sitting next to me.
He is my singing buddy. My roomates are Mary Sue and Kirsten. Kirsten and I are pretty similar in looks and shape wise so I guess that's cool.

I woke up pretty abruptly this morning to the loud sound of many Korean girls talking. Oh boy, what can you do.

One of the staff members told me yesterday that if I wasn't emotionally exhausted all the time something would be wrong with me. That's not very comforting. However because of it, Shelby, Katy, Nathan, and I made a late trip to Walmart to buy me peanut butter for when I get grumpy. I tried to explain to them how I am when I get grumpy but I think I failed.
I guess they'll just see haha.

Welcome to my new life in 3 pictures.

This pretty much describes Lindale in one picture. bahaha.
Where I live is quite beautiful.

This is what makes me want to stay in my bed all day.

Settling in.

I just settled in to my dorm.
It has a pretty home comfortable feeling which I really like.
I have two roomates, which I have yet to meet.
All my stuff is quite compact which of course is an absolute win.

The Tyler base is absolutely gorgeous. For all of you who don't
know what green is, come to east Texas.
Kimmie and I have been laughing hysterically at some of the things
we have seen in this small town. I'll put up pictures on here once she does.

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow when my family leaves but I know
this is what I'm supposed to be doing. The comfort of that will help me.
I'm starting a new chapter of my life which will be exciting.

So this is a blog

that I'm going to keep during my D.T.S.

I feel like it's easier to update what I'm learning and what I'm going through as a whole, instead of having to explain to everyone separately.

I'm about to go on an adventure, just watch.