When death isn't always morbid.

I went home this past weekend, which was an amazing time. It was good to see my family, and wonderful to see my nephew, Micah. But it made me start to think alot.
My grandpa's funeral was harder then I anticipated. I was glad to hear about the other side of my grandpa that I never saw. But the funeral made me think about death alot. I can't imagine losing my parents or family members. If I dwell on the thought for more then a second, I start crying. Anyways, I told my mom this and she told me something Beth Moore said: "God gives us grace for the moment, but not for our vain imaginations." That stuck to me because I realized how much I think of these horrific things that could possibly happen, but wont. I don't need to worry about the future.
Lesson learned, right? Wrong.

On Monday morning, I thought it was just a Monday morning. I went to a Czech Mania(Czech republic and Romania team just seems so long.) meeting and learned more about the trafficking system over there. That made me terribly upset but I proceeded to base prayer. This woman began to speak. I had never heard of her or seen her, but shortly I found out that her husband died on the mission field. She has children and everything. I can't say many details online, but her story absolutely broke my heart. But I think what tore me up even more was the fact she was wanting to go back to the country. She wanted the people who killed her husband to become Christians and be saved. Her kids want to be missionaries there. This happened not even that long ago, but God has completely redeemed her and her children. Her drive shocked me. She was devoted and loved her husband so much but God was still above all things. She rested in the Character of God and wasn't bitter at all.
I cried for three hours about this. I was so upset. I couldn't imagine this happening to me and then it dawned on me that I'm called to missions. My heart was pounding as I realized this was a possibility for any missionary family to face. To be quite vulernable and open with the people I love who read this, I wrestled with God why He called me to be a missionary. Doubt, insecurity, and distrust in the Lord began to pour out of me. I realized that God wasn't my core in this area. I know His character, but I didn't trust that God could give me grace in that situation. I would probably leave the missionfield, not wait to get back on it.
I kept crying, and crying, and crying more. Then I got the news of a family friend, Robert, who isn't doing well. My friends and I stopped to pray for a miracle. Although I'm not best friends with him or anything, he means alot to my family. I didn't think I could cry that much more but lo and behold I cried more!

It didn't really get settled in my heart until yesterday afternoon. The School of Worship leader, Josh, spoke to us about leadership. In leadership, we have our vision of whatever we do. He explained that our vision must be consistent, even if things change. Then he went on to talk about four voices we need to listen to about our vision: Inner voice, Unhappy voice, Successful voice, and Higher voice.
He talked about our convictions and how they are the thing that roots our vision. Conviction is a firmly belief or opinion that doesnt change by emotion. Our convictions then affect our values, which affect our principles, which affect our actions. Convictions in the end produce the action. He then explained that any justice movement(which is incredibly popular these days) will not last if Jesus isn't the foundation. Jesus is the reason why we even go out there! God's heart breaks for these people so much and out of a love for Him, we do this. Whether we're tired, in good or bad situations, etc, He is always worthy.
It hit me then that no matter what happens, death or life, that God is so worthy of our love and adoration. My calling, which I need to hold alot more loosely in God's hands, is only out of first my heart for Jesus, but then my passionate love(only given by God) for women in prostitution.

phew. that took alot out of me. God is doing SO much more in me since this morning, but I'll wait until the end of the week to post about it.

Chicago.

I'm finally back from a fantastic week in Chicago. Chicago is my new favorite city in America because it's so wonderful. I love the diversity, the buildings, the fact it still has a lake and it's the city, and how the suburbs are so close.
It started out with a 16 hour van drive there. I was absolutely dreading it but it wasn't actually that bad. We stayed at the YWAM base there which was a four story apartment building type thing. I loved it and realized I would love to live in one of those things. I slept in the meeting room with 5 other girls. There was another team from Masters Commission that was staying at the base too. They were actually pretty cool when they talked to us. The guys were incredibly respectful of girls which was very nice and the whole team was a good dynamic for our team.

I learned so much this week about the passion we need to have for cities. 50% of the population lives in major cities now, and by the end of the century 90% will be there! That's almost everyone! And if Christians aren't living in the cities, how will people hear about Jesus? The other amazing thing is that God really is on the move in cities and he wants to redeem what cities are known for(Drugs, violence, etc). Diversity and unity are two of God's greatest intentions for the world and that's exactly what cities could be. Brad(YWAM leader) spoke to us about his passion for the city. He was such an inspiring person because he absolutely knew without a doubt God's heart for it. One thing he told me that stuck out was that we have to jump on God's bandwagon, not expect Him to just jump on ours. Often times we have our own idea, and instead of going with what God is ALREADY doing in the city, we make up our own thing and ask Him to bless us. I also learned that it's important that we don't just look at the strongholds when we go to cities/countries. If we look at what God's orignial intention was for the place and find redemption for those things, oftentimes the strongholds will fall through anyways. God is such a redemptive God!

The first day we walked around little Vietnam. We did religious surveys and just asked people questions about what they believed or where they came from. I was paired up with my good friend Jon. We met this black man named George, who after seeing me, decided that women from texas are more beautiful then women from California. He then also said he wanted to go to texas to get a steak. George was an interesting guy. Another part was we had to ask for 50 cents to use a pay phone(We had to call Brad, the YWAM director, so he made sure we did it.) Honestly it took a blow to my pride, which was good. It puts you in such a humble state to ask people for money. And the funny part was, no white people would give. Only black people gave to us. I realized I never give people money and that I should start. At night time we did homeless ministry. I came in contact with a very angry angry black man who then proceeded to cuss me out and call me the white devil, but that's okay. It was a learning experience that I will never forget.

On day two, we rode the city buses and talked to whoever sat next to us. It was such a fun experience! It was kind of like speed dating, but speed praying instead. Almost everyone wanted me to pray for them by the time they had to get off at their stop. I came to realize that you can minister everywhere, even if it's just on the bus. On Tuesday night we did street evangelism again but this time in the Gay/alternative district. I prayed for an Iraq man and also talked to a very gay black man. Both went well, but I shortly got lost in Chicago right after. I was with Kyle and Jordan and after walking around for a good 45 minutes( and missing debriefing) we went and ate Dunkin Donuts. Which was quite enjoyable.

On day three, we went to little India! It was so amazing-I really felt at home there. All the stores smelled like India, the clothes looked like India, I even got real Chai! I was reminded of what a beautiful country India is and how much God has in store for them. I really love the people and culture. We also went to a salon(God told us too, I promise). We talked and ministered to the ladies who were there and they did our nails. This was highly enjoyable for me and I realized how awesome and the potential God has for my ministry! On wednesday night a man named Sam Shamone came and spoke to us about Islam. I can't even describe to you all he spoke, but if you ever want to read his arguements they are very good.
www.answering-islam.org

On day four, we learned and went to At Risk communities. It's really sad how many people are in or were in these places. Pretty much they are these high rise buildings that put hundreds or thousands of people inside. Most of them are on welfare and can't get jobs or anything. But the sad part is that it's almost a generational curse. Because your parents lived there, you live there, and since you can't get a job because youre "irresponisible" you end up living there, etc. It goes on and on. Gangs also run the buildings and stairwells so mass rape and murder happens. We went to three different ones and it was just really sad. But I learned that if you want to change a communitie or people, you have to LIVE there. You can't just do programs and leave, or at least that wouldn't be as successful.
On thursday night I ate chicago pizza, went to an art show, and watched Bible man. It was great.

Friday we went to a mosque and a hindu temple. It actually didnt affect me like temples usually do but I was okay with that. It was sad though because both of the people who spoke to us used to be Christians before they went to the religion. The hindu man was a hilarous black man who seemed like would have been an amazing person(if he lived outside the temple) and the women who was a muslima, seemed so hurt and depressed. They were both heavily blinded by their own religion and contridicted themselves often. It's just sad how much we can believe in deception. On friday night we did an open air worship and prayer time in the city. It's just how it sounds, but God really showed me something. We did communion and while I was kneeling on ths sidewalk just looking up at the buildings, I realized Jesus died for each and every one of those people. It was suddenly evident the MASS amounts of people that are in the world and how Jesus loves each one. I felt like God was speaking to me saying" Lead people to the way that you found me." I found Jesus at the cross, with all my sins hanging off of me. It's my job, my calling, to lead people to the cross where Jesus showed the ultimate example of love.

That was chicago, and I miss it terribly.
I'm going home this weekend, due to the death of my grandfather. I'm really sad for my family but I'm glad I'm going home. I miss them.
Also, my room smells like fish thanks to the huge shipment of Korean food sent to my roomates. Thank you Korea.

Freedom Drama.

Wedding Dreams.

I've promised some people I would post a blog of my dream wedding. This has nothing to do with what God is doing in my life or anything, but me getting in an extremely girly mood. And I thought I would give ya'll a break from the boring stuff =].

My wedding colors are Teal, Taupe, and Bronze/Gold(I dont want that bed, just the color):


My glamorous wedding ring!!!!!:
My beautiful dream dress:
I adore this dress, minus the lace. But mostly I love the top:




My makeup would probably be something along these lines:

My hair will be braided back like this on the side:

Some of the hair would be pinned up like this on the side:

But with these kind of curls coming down the side:


Tuxs but vest would be teal(No words to describe how attractive these tuxes are to me.):


Bridesmaids dresses(Sisters and Ana, tell me what you think!):

Flower Girl dress but sash will be teal:



Ring bearers tux but bow tie will be bronze:


Wonderful invitations:


My wonderful Bouquet:


My centerpieces will be peacock feathers with Gold and Taupe shiny balls:



I really like fish as centerpieces as well:



The most gorgeous cake I've ever seen:


I want my wedding to look very Indian like(Colors would be Teal, Taupe, and Gold):


Plates:


One table option:




Other table option:



Champane/Sparkling cider fountain:



Chocolate fountain:


Yes I know, I'm quite expensive. But I can always dream! <3

Momentum caused my movement.

This week is ministry prep, which are always one of my favorite and least favorite weeks. It's alot more relaxed then DTS schedule wise, but I'm absolutely 100 percent more exhausted then I was.
I'm the main character in a drama called freedom. In the drama, the girl discovers herself, then discovers sin. She is then entrapped by sin, until Jesus comes and saves her. After she is saved, she starts dancing because the freedom she gained.
It's a beautiful drama, I love it. Except for the fact that I can't move without my whole body aching. Literally every part of me hurts. In the drama, I'm thrown around all over the place and have a pretty consistent whip lash of some sort. I'm all bruised up on my knees-it's disgusting. Pretty much I'm pushed around by the demons so hard I don't even have to try to fall or run in an opposite direction. Oh well though, things happen. I was nervous about the dancing part because it's very ballet-esque, but apparently I do it gracefully. I'm very excited to perform it on Friday for our commissioning service. I'll record it and post it here.

I'm also one of the four leaders in charge of VBS. I've had to re-write 5 bible stories and teach the clowns to act them out. It's pretty simple and not that hard. I'm glad VBS is going smoothly this time around because VBS for Thailand was quite horrendous. I wasn't even in charge of VBS and I still ended up doing it. How confusing is that?

So a quite exciting story, for the past few months my parents and I have been praying for a car for me. My old retired saturn(Which was quite retired before it even became mine) was not going to live much longer. With help from money that I didnt even know existed until a couple months ago and some help from my parents, I have a new car! It's almost brand new, only has 3600 miles, and we got an amazing deal for it. I'm so excited! God is just showing me how faithful He is in doing this for me =]




On Sunday morning we leave for Urban missions week in Chicago. I'm quite excited minus the 16, yes I said 16, hour van ride. Oh ALSO its 16 without stops. What the heck man.
Anyways, we will be working with the gay district, learning all about hinduism and islam and going and sitting through some of their teachings so we can understand and actually get a heart for them. I'm pretty excited about that. We'll also do some open air worship and evangelism. It's going to be great but please be praying for open doors and divine opportunities from the Lord!

Much Love.

Melancholy Sunday Afternoons.

My Saturday and Sunday afternoons are always a little bit hard, because it's the only time i really rest during the week and I begin to think. Therefore, I am writing in this and trying to keep myself occupied.

The end of last week was fantastic. Larry went through 15 ways we can know the Bible is true and the word of God. I had always had a small doubt about that in the back of my head but I don't anymore. It's good to know you can trust it.

I got a revelation from the Lord when Larry was talking about how God has the right to be a jealous God. Larry said, "When God says He is jealous, he isn't trying to dictate everything about you. He means 'I love yo u, and if someone hurts you, I will deal with them.'" I have NO idea why suddenly it made sense but I realized that no matter what my past has done against me God will deal with it because I simply can't(and quite honestly shouldn't have to deal with anymore). It was such a good feeling to know that it doesn't matter. God loves me and He will protect me and He hurts because I was hurt. It's up to Him now, and He will deal with it. Then again I remembered that the Lord fights my battles for me, even when the root of the battle is against Him. He stays by my side, fighting when I can't.

Quite honestly it's been a very rough week for me personally with my relationships on base. I'm seeing things I didn't quite see before. But God is remaining faithful to be there consistently. It blows my mind that God is always speaking to us but we just aren't always listening. Kim Walker said something that really clicked within me: Dry seasons are an invitation from the Lord to just go deeper.
Isn't that crazy to think about? It's dry because its getting comfortable so God is trying to invite you to go deeper and deeper with Him, not give up because it's not easy anymore. Agghh perseverance.

Fun things: Last night I went to the Lion King production that Emily Allegretto was in. I saw Maty Gilmore for the first time in 3 years. It was pretty crazy. But also Olivia Meades is in town so I got to see her and I just absolutely love her. Anyways, the Lion King is probably one of my favorite movies and the soundtrack blows my mind. Last night made me wish I was a dancer, which happens almost any time I go to a dance recital. So either I need to stop going to recitals or become a dancer. I think I will choose the latter.