Peculiar.

This weekend was so long, really emotional, and now I'm super tired.

Friday:
Friday was the commissioning service. We did the hip hop dance and like a bunch of people told me I was half black, which I think was quite amusing...
Then I went on an adventure to walmart, and then got ready for the lovefeast.
The love feast is kind of different here, it's actually a thanksgiving celebration for all the base and staff. So it's about 400 people or so, and the DTS actually serves the food and everything. It was pretty fun though. Afterwards we all went to the Sub for this guy Dustin's going away party. I hung out with Jordan and Kyle for alot of it, which honestly makes any moment 100 percent better then it was before.
I got incredibly hyper and Amy and I were just dancing and spinning around. We kinda got kicked out after awhile because it was just us there, and then we sat outside for an hour and a half laughing hysterically about.. nothing.

On Saturday, I woke up feeling like I got hit by a train. After brunch, I kind of had a complete mental breakdown.. which I guess is a good thing because I'm going home for thanksgiving. I didn't realize how much I needed to go home until I looked at the flights and got one. I'm so ready for a break and so ready to see my family. It will be really good.
After alot of drama, even with that, I went to Chiles for one of the most awkward dinners of my life. I ate like half of a billion things and waddled out of there. I then went to a Lecrae concert, who is an amazing Christian rapper. He was really fabulous.

And then today...
Today mostly consisted of four or five hours of doing staff peoples hair for Nick Allegretto's wedding. I was really freaking tired afterwards, however, I then climbed a broken down tree. You would think I could climb a tree on it's side, however, I can't even climb that. My sporty skills are pretty much nonexistent.
The speaker at family night was amazing. Her name was Elaine and she is kind of like a prophet lady. Some healings took place and just seeing her words of knowledge for people she has never met was insane.
My friend Charles started praying for me to receive more gifts. It was really cool because he was praying for me and switching between Korean and Tounges. He just prayed and prayed for me, and as soon as it was over patted my back and said, "Jesus love you" and walked away. I love Charles.
I guess the peculiar thing I'm still trying to figure out was the vision I got when Charles was praying for me. In the vision I was in the water and the moon was shining on me. I was wading through and people were following me through the water and I was trying to keep them in the light because it was guiding us. But it was obvious that we were trying to get away from something without getting caught. It reminded me of like Harriet Tubman or something. But it was a very clear thing..
I don't know what God is saying through it, so if you guys have any clue let me know haha.
Afterwards we had popcorn races at the substation(see facebook video) and I made binoculars out of IBC rootbeer bottles. It was beautiful really.


Goodnight world.

I really want to be home.

I just want to go home. =[

You dont make this any better. So stop freaking making it worse.

I love my life but not because of club night.

Welcome to my hair everyday. Hot mess.

My week has still continued to stay really good. One minor incident yesterday, but I'm good now. God's grace has been so sufficient for me! I have so much joy in Him this week, where as a lot of people are struggling.
Worship is going very well, except I think my voice is actually too strong. All those singers out there would be proud of my projection skills.

As soon as i get the music for the hip hop song, I'm going to try to put it on here some how. We think it might be a remix...

Relying on God.

I feel like often times I vent out on this thing and that it's never very positive. So I'm going to change that.

This week has been wonderful even though it just started. It's ministry prep week, therefore it's more like Kings Kids stuff. I'm in the fast hip hop dance which is so much fun. They put me dead front center for the first part which slightly makes me nervous, especially when I'm standing next to a good black dancer. Oh well, what do i gotta lose. Anyways, between breaks of learning, I just watch Esther booty dance which is probably the best thing ever.

In the afternoons we have TESOL(Teaching English... I don't remember the rest.) I'll be one of the english teachers when we go to the Lady Boy bars(Transvestites in Thailand). It's definitely going to be an experience.

At night time we have worship band practice. Because I'm the only keyboard player, I play in both bands and sing in one. It was pretty fun yesterday. I love playing the piano so much and they actually said I had one of the strongest voices in the group.

Esther and Amy are probably some of the most wonderful people I know. We are so much like my friends at home. We all have ridiculous nick names for each other. Some are planned out like CholESTERol and I'm trans fat and Amy is Tuberculous. We don't know why we said those names but that's alright. And pretty much whatever rolls of the top of our head when were talking to each other is what we say. Like My little Hot Panini or My spicy tuna salad. Esther has a slight obsession with poop and butts(actually i think I have the slight obsession, she is actually very obsessed.) and she is constantly making up nicknames with those. But don't worry, I wont go into those.

I'm really learning to rely on God this week. And it's been good.

If I had a beard, it would be better.

That is mister Olson =]
Let me finish up with some wonderful things that happened last week.
-We need to pray for heart conviction in other people, not just an open mind.
-Don't always think troubles are the enemy, God may be allowing it.
-Christians are like manure, when their scattered they do well, but if you stack them together, they stink.
-It's only the holy spirit who calls.
--The ministry doesn't call, they only confirm.
--If God calls you, you won't burn out as a missionary.
--God doesn't call you when your waiting around for a call. He calls when your busy.
-Don't always jump to conclusions by results. Continue to weigh the situation.

We also analyzed the story in Acts 16. It opened my eyes to so much of the mission field of things but it's too much to explain here in all honesty.

Here is my weekend:
Friday:
On friday night, after work, I talked with Esther and Amy for a long time and then went and had a two minute dance party with Kyle. Pretty much it existed of him and I bouncing around to techno music. Then, we wrote a song with Esther and Amy about a cheeseburger with no cheese. Jordan came over, and we planned football colors and everything for FOOTBALL saturday. And then we went to Cherry Hill and watched the stars =]

Saturday:
I woke up and went to breakfast, sporting my purple and black for my main boys Kyle and Jordan.

They played football and mostly I just sat there getting sun burned and randomly smiling and screaming. My boys wonnn!
Then I cut like 5 people's hair, which is fine, except that they would ask as soon as I would put my stuff away. Every single time. That's okay though.
Then last night we went to FatherHeart, which is the ministry for pregnant teens who get kicked out or similar situations. I was mixed with so many emotions. First, it's such a beautiful compound. It would be heaven for any pregnant woman to live there. Each room is themed and colored. It's three stories tall and is so comfortable and pretty. It kind of looks like an IKEA house. I realized how much I would love to make a house like that but for my ministry. I would love to have a house for prostitutes until they get up on their feet, but to make it beautiful like that place.
Another emotion that I had is just being so overwhelmed. These girls are fifteen and are about to have a baby. I realized it's only by the grace of God that I didn't get pregnant at that age. It was just ridiculous how hard it hit me. Anyways, we played gestures and had a bonfire which was fun. Last night when we got home, I was really emotionally drained and kind of upset so I went to bed.

I slept ten hours, had super sad dreams, and woke up with the worst headache. I guess I need to start sleeping with my retainer again. Hannah gave me the most amazing massage though, which I really needed, and now I'm wearing a dress Jimmy and Suzanne gave me. It's making my day a little bit better.

The small conversation that made my day.

"I miss talking to you divalicious." (me)
"Well talk to me Albino Rhino!" (Kyle)
"I am butt head!!"
"You are making me want to fight you in record time I guess I should say good job."
"Why do you wanna fight me =["
"Butthead??!! You started it!"
"It's all out of love!"
"Well let's have a love fight haha it's ironic."
"What is a love fight? hahaha."
"I don't know I've never had one. Maybe if we glue marshmallows to our hands and boxed that would count."

The simplicity of our conversations is pretty much phenomenal.

Mister Ollie Olson.

Mister Ollie Olson is our speaker this week.
Kinda short on stature, a little bit of a cute old man belly,
and a smile that fits the description of a grandpa's gentleness.
I love Ollie. He likes to look at people in the eye and smile at them while he talks to them. It's quite wonderful.
I don't really know the topic of the week honestly, but everything has been good so far. We've talked about God's plan for the ages and nations. We talked about God's provision and biblical background. We talked about how to interpret certain things in the Bible. We talked about Jesus's qualities, and Hannah and Samuel.
Here are just some key points of the week so far:

-In the beginning of the fall, Satan's first words were, "Did God really say that?". Often times whatever we fall into is caused by us questioning God.
-God's provision required God to be the instigator, and man to be the recipient, not the originator.
-Psalm 3:3-8
-Jesus was moved with compassion-Matt 9:3-6
-"May the lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering."
-There is always a price to pay in the calling you have received.
-In spite of time, locked religion, and terrible circumstances, God can move.

Tomorrow we present our testamonies for our DTS and SOW. And then next week we have to present a short devotional. I think I'm doing mine on compassion.

This week has been pretty tough(As you can probably tell from my explosion of the last blog.)I've been having some struggles with friends, one in particular. I guess in a positive note, I'm really having to rely on God to get through each and everyday.

I want to let you meet some more people who are my favorites:

Amy Lynn Peterson:


Amy is probably the girl that has seen me as me. I'm the most ridiculous person with her, like I am with Ana and Kimmie. It's so wonderful.

Kyle "K-Money" Money:
Pretty much, He has helped me get through this week.



Time for dorm Devos. More blog later.

Frustration.

I really could go home today.
I'm getting kind of sick of it here.
I love it here at the same time, but today nothing seems to make it better.
I could punch like 854093543 people. That's not Christian like but I really think I could.

Last attempt at insta-feel-better:
Mocha Peanut Butter Chocolate shake.

If that fails, who knows what's going to happen. Today is epic failure.

Chains are broken.

God is so good to me.

Last night we had a ministry time for our school. I think everyone in my school ended up crying at the end of the night. Two of my classmates went first, sharing that the deepest wound in them was the fact they were raped. With one of them in particular, the class just sobbed along with her. It was one of the most amazing things seeing God bring freedom and restoration unto someone else.
We then split up into smaller groups. For some reason I knew I needed to go with my school leader and Allie. My friend Kyle went first, and we prayed for him, and then I went second. I started talking about the girls from when I was 9, and the roots of my rejection. I then talked about the things one of my ex boyfriends told me that completely altered my thinking about myself. I began to share why I was involved in sexually immoral relationships and the reason behind it. All these things began to unwravel about how awful I thought of myself. I felt so degraded and used and not wanted at all.
Behind me was Roy Sandiford, who spoke some of the time this week(his wife spoke the rest). He just took me and hugged me for a really long time and just let me wail on his shoulder. My school leader and him spoke words over me and then made me tell Satan he had no place in my life anymore. Roy said he could see these darts in my head of lies that we're stuck in there, and so we prayed against those too. I felt something come out and off of me. I can't explain it. It's not like I was possessed or something, but this thing was physically on me. I just shook and shook for a long time and then it stopped. I never felt so free.
I know there are still issues I'm going to have to deal with and that it's not all over, but I feel like I attacked the root of my problem.
I went to breakfast without makeup on this morning. If any of you know me, that will explain it.

Dear Father,
I wanted to write you a letter, a letter from my heart to yours. I feel like I always do when I begin letters, having so much to say but can't find a way to start. Looking back on my life, I've had such a judged misconception of you. I thought you played favorites and that you only loved and cared for certain people. I thought you couldnt love me from the very beginning. Father I ran from you. I ran and hid like a game of hide and seek. I longed to be found but had no hope of it. I wanted someone to seek me out, but I felt like I could never be found. I continued to hide and bury my heart from you until I didn't even know where I had placed it. I covered myself with dirt, making myself filthy. I was so far gone, so desperately separated from the one who wanted me so greatly. But I began to not want you anymore. I thought if I had well enough, you wouldn't find me. I thought I could outwit you-The only one who knows me best. So many years of build up garbage over me completely consumed me. It was only a faint thought in my head that someone would love me, who would chase me, who would look through my lies and insecurity.
You never gave up until you found me.
You're the only thing I feel that loves me well enough to search after me. Sometimes I still feel so empty and alone. Sometimes you seem so far away. It's these times that I don't understand what is happening. But then there are moments when your love is so evident. I don't understand the mercy you have on me. I have done everything I can to run and hide. I've pushed you away. I've spat in your face. I've tried to manipulate you and I've taken advantage of you. but you always are there with open arms to welcome me back. You take my brokenness and completely restore me. How could a father love me this much? How can you be so unconditional? I love you my father and will for all of my days. I don't understand you many times, but i love the simple gentleness of your spirit and the wisdom you give to me. I love that your harsh with me when I need it but that it's completely out of love. Thank you for knowing the best for me even when I don understand it. Thank you for holding my hand through the darkness. You never left my side. I love you Abba.
Jules.

My dear Beloved,
Do you know what Beloved means? It means you are precious to me. It means that you have captivated my attention. There are million of girls I have created but I made you with a twinkle in my eye. You are one of my finest pieces of creation. I created you with a heart full of love. Everytime you look in the mirror, it pains me to know what you are thinking. Julie I see your pain and your hurt. I see what you think about yourself. This is a misconception that has been in your mind for far too long. i created you exactly the way I wanted you to be. From the inside out I was pleased creating you. With that in mind, I know you from your innermost being. Nothing you have ever done could separate my love for you. I've seen you through the most desperate times. Ive seen you cry yourself to sleep. I've seen every thought. It breaks my heart to know that you can't see yourself the way I see you. I long for you to the see the beautiful thing I've created. Jules, my love for you is neverending. YOu have broken my heart so many times, but with each time my heart only grows greater for you. I love you with a passionate love, something that is never still. I am consistent and the only thing that will be consistent. I am the only thing that can mend the wounds and holes in your heart. I created you whole and I will love you until you come to that place again. I have never abandoned you and never will. I have the most beautiful purpose for you-one you can't imagine. You are my daughter and when you run back to me, I will open my arms and give you everything you need. I am your protector and I will shield you from your harm. I only want to give you good things. I hear the desires of your heart and my perfect plan will give them to you in my timing. Trust in my wisdom.
My beloved, my beautiful princess, I will not leave you. I will be there to fall back on. I am here, and I haven't forgotten you. I love you and I'm proud of you.
Abba.

Pre-emotional breakdown.

The Divine Plumbline = Emotional wreck.

Tomorrow is our ministry day of what's happened in the week. I know I'll probably have alot to write after that, so I'm going to share what we've learned. I'm still trying to process it all, but I'll do my best.

Okay so if you don't know what a plumbline is(I didn't) it's that thing that you measure walls with to make sure it doesn't swing one way or the other. In our lives, the plumbline swings between rejection and rebellion.
Both rejection and rebellion cause us to build up walls against God. Huge amounts of deception are then put into our lives, swaying our belief and view towards everything. We have a love deficit that we are always trying to fill.

As they were talking about rebellion and rejection, I realized I completely sway towards the rejection side of things. I have alot of unresolved sadness because of betrayal in past relationships and feeling abandoned by ones that were close to me. Huge amounts of insecurity are built up in me, along with inferiority complexes and self pity/hatred. However, on the rebellion side, the thing that really stuck out to me was manipulation. I never thought I was a manipulator, but that I was the one always being manipulated. With them talking about manipulation, I realized I became alot of what I hated. "You become what you worship."
--The day we take responsibility for our actions is the day healing begins.
--Our reactions are the window to our hearts.

Yesterday we learned about our personalities and lusts of the world. I found out I have a compliant personality, which is incredibly unhealthy. I have the constant need to be needed. Sometimes I give so that I can receive something for myself. I take any sort of correction as rejection. I (have) given up principles in my life under pressure. When I don't get the attention that I want, I run away from the situation. And the only thing I'm looking for in my heart is God to fufill me.
--Hearing all this hurt me alot. I never realized how pathetic I really was. To see it written on paper affected me, because I saw it from the outside looking in.
We talked about how when our emotions get attacked by pain, we go to the pleasure to numb it. Ofcourse there were obvious bad pleasures I knew I had, but I got convicted with one, which is texting. As weird as it sounds, I felt really bad that I mostly communicate through it to people, and I think it's affected me being able to be open to a person...in person. My communication skills aren't that great. So.. No more texting serious conversations if I can help it.
Another thing- The guys in our group told us what they honestly thought of when they saw a girl dressed skanky. I've never felt so bad in my entire life.

Today we learned about the temple, the altar, and the wall of salvation.
At the altar part, I learned that unconfessed sin builds up our wall against God and makes a greater seperation. I learned the closer we are to God, the more aware of our sins we are. With the temple part, the thing that stuck out to me was: " Revelation for today comes when obedience takes place in the revelation from the day before"
-To me that was crazy, because that's something I've been struggling with. I have to follow through with the revelations that God is giving me in order for him to keep expanding.
In the wall of salvation, i realized that without spiritual revelation, there is no change in a person. When you become a real Christian there is EVIDENCE of it in your life.
Here is some other stuff from today that I got:
-The more you blame people, the furthur from healing you are.
-Unbelief will keep you from your destiny.
-No matter what you do or people do to you, your value stays the same.
-When you screw up, don't go to God with a "Dang it I blew it again" mentality, but recognize you sinned, stop feeling sorry about yourself, and cry out for God's help.
-The choice between temptation isn't between two things, but Jesus and the other thing. If you want Jesus, you will always choose the better thing for you.
-We think that when we forgive someone, it's making what they did to us okay. But that's not the truth.
(This is a huge thing for me right now.)


Today we also wrote a letter to God and let God write a letter back to us. I didn't think this was possible, but when God wrote his letter back to me, it was crazy. I didn't even know what I was writing, I was just writing. It was amazing. We read them to the class tomorrow, and I'll post it here then.

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest days of my life. If you got through all that, please be praying for me and my school. This is wearing us down alot.

Thoughts. Thoughts. Thoughts.

Oh the past few days...

Last weeks teaching was ended very well.
-"God you are the God of knowledge. You know exactly what is the best thing to do. You are a God of wisdom. You know exactly how and when to bring forth the very best. You are a God of righteousness. You will do exactly the right thing. What you do will not be wrong. You are a God of faithfulness. You will not fail to do the right thing. You are a god of love. You are absolutely committed to bring forth the highest good. You are a God of loving kindness. You are desiring with all of Your Being to bring forth the best because of your loving kindness."
(This affected my thinking so much. These characteristics have seemed so vague about God to me before this week. Knowing these things and knowing that God wants the best for me puts me into perspective every time a situation happens.)
-God never gives you a burden to carry it on your own.
-True security is structuring your life around which is eternal and can't be destroyed or taken.
-Psalm 86:9-13:
9 All the nations you have made shall come
and worship before you, O Lord,
and shall glorify your name.
10 For you are great and do wondrous things;
you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
12 I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
and I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your steadfast love toward me;
you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

-God cannot be manipulated. You can't get something out of God by emotionally trying to trick Him.
-If you end up single, God is a God of love, and that is the best thing for you, because He wants the highest good for you.(Hugest wake up call ever.)
-Jesus is like an envelope and we are the letter that goes inside. If we outside of the envelope, we have no protection. We are completely vulnerable. The envelope is our security when temptation comes. How we get in the envelope is by thanksgiving and worship when temptation comes. And immediately get in before emotions kick in.
-We don't need to have the victory for tomorrow, we're not there yet.
-Patience pursues a goal without regard of times, because the value of the goal is better then the time being spent pursuing it.
-No one who is abiding in Christ is continuously sinning.
-The Christian has determined to avoid sing and quickly responds in brokenness if they disobey God. Our response to sin shows if we are really a Christian. Christians immediately deal with the sin.

This weeks teaching is called the divine plumb line. It's only the first day and i'm already getting a little overwhelmed. God told me in the beginning of my dts areas that He would deal with me in. Let's just say ALL of those are going to be dealt with this week. Oh boy.

It's been a really good thing to fall in love with Jesus, which is something that's been happening lately. I'm realizing how much He needs to complete me before anyone else can. I can see my confidence already changing alot. When Jesus tells you that you're pretty every morning, you don't need anyone else to.

For more of my everyday stuff and whats happening...
On saturday during the day, I went and cut hair at a harvest carnvial at a local church. I absolutely adored it, which was awesome because it really increased my heart and compassion for cutting hair out of love not money. My favorite part was this little boy who was dressed up like the hulk. It was windy, and so his hair kept flying in his face like a beard. He decided his name was the bearded hulk and created a theme song for himself the entire rest of the time I was doing his hair.

On saturday night was the boo bash. I missed my friends so much. I was really crazily dressed up like a peacock, and I think alot of my school didn't know what to do with me. But that's alright. And I wanted a dance party, but no one was dancing and I felt awkward. So my friend Amy and I went behind this huge tree and did all of our craziest dance moves. We looked like idiots, but it reminded me of what I do with my sister Kristin. It was actually exactly like that.
Amy is probably the only person on my DTS who has seen that side of me. But since she has seen it now, probably it's going to come out more.

Today we were sitting at the table during lunch and Chan walked by. Chan is this three year old asian boy. Hannah thought we said John, but we said Chan, so Nathan went off on changing Chan and John in everything he could think off. My favorites were Long Chan Silvers, and Chanson and Chanson. The things he and Shelby come up with are always crazy.

Today we also had casting, where they choose what we're doing for outreach dramas and dances. It was really embarrassing, but I just went crazy anyways. I've always loved acting anyways.

Anyways.. time for a nap.