When death isn't always morbid.

I went home this past weekend, which was an amazing time. It was good to see my family, and wonderful to see my nephew, Micah. But it made me start to think alot.
My grandpa's funeral was harder then I anticipated. I was glad to hear about the other side of my grandpa that I never saw. But the funeral made me think about death alot. I can't imagine losing my parents or family members. If I dwell on the thought for more then a second, I start crying. Anyways, I told my mom this and she told me something Beth Moore said: "God gives us grace for the moment, but not for our vain imaginations." That stuck to me because I realized how much I think of these horrific things that could possibly happen, but wont. I don't need to worry about the future.
Lesson learned, right? Wrong.

On Monday morning, I thought it was just a Monday morning. I went to a Czech Mania(Czech republic and Romania team just seems so long.) meeting and learned more about the trafficking system over there. That made me terribly upset but I proceeded to base prayer. This woman began to speak. I had never heard of her or seen her, but shortly I found out that her husband died on the mission field. She has children and everything. I can't say many details online, but her story absolutely broke my heart. But I think what tore me up even more was the fact she was wanting to go back to the country. She wanted the people who killed her husband to become Christians and be saved. Her kids want to be missionaries there. This happened not even that long ago, but God has completely redeemed her and her children. Her drive shocked me. She was devoted and loved her husband so much but God was still above all things. She rested in the Character of God and wasn't bitter at all.
I cried for three hours about this. I was so upset. I couldn't imagine this happening to me and then it dawned on me that I'm called to missions. My heart was pounding as I realized this was a possibility for any missionary family to face. To be quite vulernable and open with the people I love who read this, I wrestled with God why He called me to be a missionary. Doubt, insecurity, and distrust in the Lord began to pour out of me. I realized that God wasn't my core in this area. I know His character, but I didn't trust that God could give me grace in that situation. I would probably leave the missionfield, not wait to get back on it.
I kept crying, and crying, and crying more. Then I got the news of a family friend, Robert, who isn't doing well. My friends and I stopped to pray for a miracle. Although I'm not best friends with him or anything, he means alot to my family. I didn't think I could cry that much more but lo and behold I cried more!

It didn't really get settled in my heart until yesterday afternoon. The School of Worship leader, Josh, spoke to us about leadership. In leadership, we have our vision of whatever we do. He explained that our vision must be consistent, even if things change. Then he went on to talk about four voices we need to listen to about our vision: Inner voice, Unhappy voice, Successful voice, and Higher voice.
He talked about our convictions and how they are the thing that roots our vision. Conviction is a firmly belief or opinion that doesnt change by emotion. Our convictions then affect our values, which affect our principles, which affect our actions. Convictions in the end produce the action. He then explained that any justice movement(which is incredibly popular these days) will not last if Jesus isn't the foundation. Jesus is the reason why we even go out there! God's heart breaks for these people so much and out of a love for Him, we do this. Whether we're tired, in good or bad situations, etc, He is always worthy.
It hit me then that no matter what happens, death or life, that God is so worthy of our love and adoration. My calling, which I need to hold alot more loosely in God's hands, is only out of first my heart for Jesus, but then my passionate love(only given by God) for women in prostitution.

phew. that took alot out of me. God is doing SO much more in me since this morning, but I'll wait until the end of the week to post about it.