Pre-emotional breakdown.

The Divine Plumbline = Emotional wreck.

Tomorrow is our ministry day of what's happened in the week. I know I'll probably have alot to write after that, so I'm going to share what we've learned. I'm still trying to process it all, but I'll do my best.

Okay so if you don't know what a plumbline is(I didn't) it's that thing that you measure walls with to make sure it doesn't swing one way or the other. In our lives, the plumbline swings between rejection and rebellion.
Both rejection and rebellion cause us to build up walls against God. Huge amounts of deception are then put into our lives, swaying our belief and view towards everything. We have a love deficit that we are always trying to fill.

As they were talking about rebellion and rejection, I realized I completely sway towards the rejection side of things. I have alot of unresolved sadness because of betrayal in past relationships and feeling abandoned by ones that were close to me. Huge amounts of insecurity are built up in me, along with inferiority complexes and self pity/hatred. However, on the rebellion side, the thing that really stuck out to me was manipulation. I never thought I was a manipulator, but that I was the one always being manipulated. With them talking about manipulation, I realized I became alot of what I hated. "You become what you worship."
--The day we take responsibility for our actions is the day healing begins.
--Our reactions are the window to our hearts.

Yesterday we learned about our personalities and lusts of the world. I found out I have a compliant personality, which is incredibly unhealthy. I have the constant need to be needed. Sometimes I give so that I can receive something for myself. I take any sort of correction as rejection. I (have) given up principles in my life under pressure. When I don't get the attention that I want, I run away from the situation. And the only thing I'm looking for in my heart is God to fufill me.
--Hearing all this hurt me alot. I never realized how pathetic I really was. To see it written on paper affected me, because I saw it from the outside looking in.
We talked about how when our emotions get attacked by pain, we go to the pleasure to numb it. Ofcourse there were obvious bad pleasures I knew I had, but I got convicted with one, which is texting. As weird as it sounds, I felt really bad that I mostly communicate through it to people, and I think it's affected me being able to be open to a person...in person. My communication skills aren't that great. So.. No more texting serious conversations if I can help it.
Another thing- The guys in our group told us what they honestly thought of when they saw a girl dressed skanky. I've never felt so bad in my entire life.

Today we learned about the temple, the altar, and the wall of salvation.
At the altar part, I learned that unconfessed sin builds up our wall against God and makes a greater seperation. I learned the closer we are to God, the more aware of our sins we are. With the temple part, the thing that stuck out to me was: " Revelation for today comes when obedience takes place in the revelation from the day before"
-To me that was crazy, because that's something I've been struggling with. I have to follow through with the revelations that God is giving me in order for him to keep expanding.
In the wall of salvation, i realized that without spiritual revelation, there is no change in a person. When you become a real Christian there is EVIDENCE of it in your life.
Here is some other stuff from today that I got:
-The more you blame people, the furthur from healing you are.
-Unbelief will keep you from your destiny.
-No matter what you do or people do to you, your value stays the same.
-When you screw up, don't go to God with a "Dang it I blew it again" mentality, but recognize you sinned, stop feeling sorry about yourself, and cry out for God's help.
-The choice between temptation isn't between two things, but Jesus and the other thing. If you want Jesus, you will always choose the better thing for you.
-We think that when we forgive someone, it's making what they did to us okay. But that's not the truth.
(This is a huge thing for me right now.)


Today we also wrote a letter to God and let God write a letter back to us. I didn't think this was possible, but when God wrote his letter back to me, it was crazy. I didn't even know what I was writing, I was just writing. It was amazing. We read them to the class tomorrow, and I'll post it here then.

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest days of my life. If you got through all that, please be praying for me and my school. This is wearing us down alot.