Chains are broken.

God is so good to me.

Last night we had a ministry time for our school. I think everyone in my school ended up crying at the end of the night. Two of my classmates went first, sharing that the deepest wound in them was the fact they were raped. With one of them in particular, the class just sobbed along with her. It was one of the most amazing things seeing God bring freedom and restoration unto someone else.
We then split up into smaller groups. For some reason I knew I needed to go with my school leader and Allie. My friend Kyle went first, and we prayed for him, and then I went second. I started talking about the girls from when I was 9, and the roots of my rejection. I then talked about the things one of my ex boyfriends told me that completely altered my thinking about myself. I began to share why I was involved in sexually immoral relationships and the reason behind it. All these things began to unwravel about how awful I thought of myself. I felt so degraded and used and not wanted at all.
Behind me was Roy Sandiford, who spoke some of the time this week(his wife spoke the rest). He just took me and hugged me for a really long time and just let me wail on his shoulder. My school leader and him spoke words over me and then made me tell Satan he had no place in my life anymore. Roy said he could see these darts in my head of lies that we're stuck in there, and so we prayed against those too. I felt something come out and off of me. I can't explain it. It's not like I was possessed or something, but this thing was physically on me. I just shook and shook for a long time and then it stopped. I never felt so free.
I know there are still issues I'm going to have to deal with and that it's not all over, but I feel like I attacked the root of my problem.
I went to breakfast without makeup on this morning. If any of you know me, that will explain it.

Dear Father,
I wanted to write you a letter, a letter from my heart to yours. I feel like I always do when I begin letters, having so much to say but can't find a way to start. Looking back on my life, I've had such a judged misconception of you. I thought you played favorites and that you only loved and cared for certain people. I thought you couldnt love me from the very beginning. Father I ran from you. I ran and hid like a game of hide and seek. I longed to be found but had no hope of it. I wanted someone to seek me out, but I felt like I could never be found. I continued to hide and bury my heart from you until I didn't even know where I had placed it. I covered myself with dirt, making myself filthy. I was so far gone, so desperately separated from the one who wanted me so greatly. But I began to not want you anymore. I thought if I had well enough, you wouldn't find me. I thought I could outwit you-The only one who knows me best. So many years of build up garbage over me completely consumed me. It was only a faint thought in my head that someone would love me, who would chase me, who would look through my lies and insecurity.
You never gave up until you found me.
You're the only thing I feel that loves me well enough to search after me. Sometimes I still feel so empty and alone. Sometimes you seem so far away. It's these times that I don't understand what is happening. But then there are moments when your love is so evident. I don't understand the mercy you have on me. I have done everything I can to run and hide. I've pushed you away. I've spat in your face. I've tried to manipulate you and I've taken advantage of you. but you always are there with open arms to welcome me back. You take my brokenness and completely restore me. How could a father love me this much? How can you be so unconditional? I love you my father and will for all of my days. I don't understand you many times, but i love the simple gentleness of your spirit and the wisdom you give to me. I love that your harsh with me when I need it but that it's completely out of love. Thank you for knowing the best for me even when I don understand it. Thank you for holding my hand through the darkness. You never left my side. I love you Abba.
Jules.

My dear Beloved,
Do you know what Beloved means? It means you are precious to me. It means that you have captivated my attention. There are million of girls I have created but I made you with a twinkle in my eye. You are one of my finest pieces of creation. I created you with a heart full of love. Everytime you look in the mirror, it pains me to know what you are thinking. Julie I see your pain and your hurt. I see what you think about yourself. This is a misconception that has been in your mind for far too long. i created you exactly the way I wanted you to be. From the inside out I was pleased creating you. With that in mind, I know you from your innermost being. Nothing you have ever done could separate my love for you. I've seen you through the most desperate times. Ive seen you cry yourself to sleep. I've seen every thought. It breaks my heart to know that you can't see yourself the way I see you. I long for you to the see the beautiful thing I've created. Jules, my love for you is neverending. YOu have broken my heart so many times, but with each time my heart only grows greater for you. I love you with a passionate love, something that is never still. I am consistent and the only thing that will be consistent. I am the only thing that can mend the wounds and holes in your heart. I created you whole and I will love you until you come to that place again. I have never abandoned you and never will. I have the most beautiful purpose for you-one you can't imagine. You are my daughter and when you run back to me, I will open my arms and give you everything you need. I am your protector and I will shield you from your harm. I only want to give you good things. I hear the desires of your heart and my perfect plan will give them to you in my timing. Trust in my wisdom.
My beloved, my beautiful princess, I will not leave you. I will be there to fall back on. I am here, and I haven't forgotten you. I love you and I'm proud of you.
Abba.