Filling of the Holy Spirit.

"Don't judge the rest of your life by your circumstances today."

Yesterday we talked about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts. The speaker was the school of worship leader who is a really fantastic person. He focused on so much of the Holy Spirit(I think I took four pages of notes) and all different aspects of it.
I really enjoyed it because he didn't just speak about spiritual gifts, but the reason behind it and the reason why we need the Holy Spirit. Every point was backed up in scripture and it was just awesome.

During the prayer chapel time, I was under alot of spiritual attack. I was dealing with alot of jealousy issues and I felt like my insecurity was coming back. Everytime I give something over to the Lord it's as if something is thrown back at me. Anyways, I just continued to pray and press in to the worship time.
Even though everyone was praying about something else, God already started to speak to me about what He wanted to give me that night.
I felt like God wanted to take out my spirit of timidity and give me a spirit of boldness. However at the same time, I felt like God was telling me that my spirit needed to be at peace at all times unless He was the one who stirred it up. If my spirit was at peace, I could hear the Holy Spirit and hear what He had to say to me whenever. I felt like He was saying i was going to be able to give words of knowledge and when I did, I could say them boldly and with confidence.

I finally talked to my parents, thank the Lord. Even though everything went well, it was hard to go straight into teaching and worship.
I still tried to press into worship. I just closed my eyes and began to pray. Some staff members came over to me and started praying for the filling of the spirit. Nothing outwardly "intense" happened to me that I hadn't experience or anything, but the staff member Katy began to tell me what she felt like the Holy Spirit was saying.
"I feel like you have the freedom but you wont accept it. God wants to give you the freedom, and then use your hands to bring freedom to others and bring freedom to places."

I fell on my face and just layed there. It hit me then how much I was forgiven again. I knew I had been over the past few days, but I guess I was still worried about something. I layed there without opening my eyes and just asked God to change my eyes to see something different and new about myself. I asked God to change my eyes to not judge others but to see the beauty in them. And when I opened my eyes I really felt it.
I don't know if its because I don't really care about how these people think of me, because they love me, or if it's God yet. But I just feel great here. I feel great about how i look. And I don't think its a bad thing as long as I'm not proud. It'a good feeling not to hate yourself.

So my foundation is still being built.
-The love of Jesus and how much He does.
-Forgiveness of yourself and others
-The Holy Spirit living in you.

Forgiveness.

Yesterday we talked about unforgiveness and forgiving others.
Our speaker was from New Zealand.

A few things that God spoke through him to me during the teacher were..
-We want someone who speaks the languages of our heart.
-God isn't a record keeper of my sins.
-You're either set free from your sins or your bound by them.. Those are the only two options.
-The people who are quick to forgive are quick to get blessings from God.

My day progressed and I was slightly frustrated with just different aspects of my day. I kept talking to people who were worried about knowing what they had to deal with that night. I couldn't think of anything that would really upset me so much. I thought I wouldn't be crying or having a hard time but boy was I wrong.

I started to write a list of a few people I felt maybe I had bitterness towards. I asked God to reveal everyone who I really had an issue with. Before I knew it I had written a whole page of names covering it.

A few of my friends started confessing aloud the people they needed to forgive. I was so proud of them and tearing up just because I knew how much it meant to them and the Lord that they were forgiving those who hurt them.

I guess a few tears just set me off. The speaker called out different groups of people we needed to forgive, and one of them was friends and ex boyfriends/girlfriends. It suddenly hit me how much bitterness and even hatred I had towards people.
I started to forgive these girls who called me fat when I was 9 years old.. The girls who changed my perception about how I looked for the rest of my life. I didn't even really know that was such an issue until I started crying my eyes out about it.
Then I began to forgive every ex boyfriend.. Every guy who used me.. Every guy who had hurt me. I prayed that they would become men of God. I prayed they would find women who will love them and cherish them. I prayed blessings over the ones who tore me apart.

Leah came over to me and hugged me trying to comfort me. I thought it was all over until she asked me a question that changed everything.
"Julie, did you forgive yourself yet?"

Oh sweet Jesus, He made the tears come harder. I never knew that was my issue. I've had so much insecurity, so much hurt, and such a hard thinking of myself because I never forgave myself for my sin and past mistakes. It was hard for me and I couldn't for a long time, but I finally voiced out loud that I wasn't holding condemnation against myself anymore and that I forgave myself because I knew the Lord did.

Once again, I felt a release..

Just one glance of your eyes.

Yesterday was a really intense day of teaching and worship.
This guy named Wes Chapman, who looks quite like my brother, did the teaching.
He was so passionate about talking about the brokeness of God.
He explained that God would take physical suffering of bearing the cross everyday over
the emotional suffering and grief he goes through everyday.

Earlier, God had already told me to read Song of Songs. I kept reading so much and just felt like God was directing me there.
During the worship time after the teaching we sang that song Majesty

Here I stand,
knowing that I'm your desire,
sanctified by glory and fire.

I had never felt like God desired me before yesterday. I felt needed and wanted and that God was pursuing me.
I mailed a very important letter. It was so hard but I know will be good. Thank the Lord for Nathan.

During my work duty, I played with this little girl from Africa who is named Maddie. She is the most beautiful child in the world and for some reason I just saw Jesus in her. She blessed my heart.

We had another worship time around 3 in the prayer chapel. I already felt such a release from the other night. God kept giving me words for people that made sense to them and where what they needed.
He gave me a vision of a ribbon. One string was being pulled out of the ribbon, and one by one the whole thing began to unravel. It didn't stop until a knot was put at the unraveling.
I felt like God was saying one temptation can start the whole process all over again, and until God knots our lives, and stops the root of the problem, we will continue on the downward cycle.

I've made two new good friends, Kyle and Max. I've been able to talk to them alot about their lives and minister to them, and in return God has given them alot of insight. The guys here are phenomenal. They are so tender hearted, at least to me, and are sensitive to what they say to me.

Then last night we finished up the broken heart of God. We were instructed to ask Jesus to do whatever He wanted to with us. Then Wes began to read from a doctors perspective of the actual physical pain Jesus went through on the cross.
I wept bitterly. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. During parts of it I was practically gagging. I saw it all in my head and saw exactly what Jesus actually went through.
By the end of it, pretty much my whole school was just weeping out to God. We didn't understand why He did it for us. At that point Wes told us to ask Jesus why He did it.
I can't even explain what happened next, but I lifted my arms out to Jesus and I felt him hug me. People always say that if you were the ONLY person on the earth, He still would have done it. I never understood that before last night. I'm worth something to Jesus and I'm worth everything to Jesus.

God is completely tearing down my foundation for everything and building it back up. I'm starting over in a complete new way and really in everyway.
I'm starting over so my foundation is solid.

Last night was the beginning of the foundation:
Knowing the love of Jesus and to the extent he does.

I finally returned to my first love.

What can I do with my obsession.

Today we talked about the intention of our hearts.
Pretty much the whole thing is summed up in this:

"To the degree that you respond to the conviction
of the Holy Spirit, is to the degree you will conform
to the image of God."

Tonight we had a bonfire where we wrote down on pieces of paper
or brought actual things and threw them in the fire. I knew exactly
what I was going to write down on the paper, and I confessed in front
of my whole group sins and idols that I have put before God.
I was completely filled with peace and completely broken and vulnerable to the Lord.
I never had felt such two extremes.
The staff and my surrounding classmates were so supportive.. So loving and tender..
Jesus was shown to me through them.

This is only the beginning,
but with full confidence I will never be the same after tonight.

I'm just really sleepy.

Yesterday ended up being a very good day.
I met my small group. We went out and got some coffee at Rockwells and then this really tiny girl with the fastest metabolism ever decided to buy two pizzas. So we ate them. It was pretty fantastic.

Leah is my small group leader and it's the best. We already have like three one-on-ones planned on where we are going to go. I didn't even know she was a licensed cosmetologist, so now my hair problems are handled! hooray! Anyways I got this really soft teal blanket and its the best.

Then we watched the Newsies and I wore my newsies hat in honor of it. I missed being with Ana and singing all the songs and debating with her whether Christian Bale was hot or not. We watched Terminator 4 which is always awful. Well both times I've seen it.
It was a very nice movie time I gotta admit.

On another note, it's been raining for like 24 hours straight and has made me completely just want to lay in my amazing blanket all day and drink coffee. Which luckily, I can do for most of the day. Well.. Once I make coffee. I got the blanket and Nathan guitar thing down so far.

Kim, I really just want to eat cheesecake with you and drink coffee like pre preganancy pre me leaving days. =[

Free days.

Not a fan.

Not one bit.

You are beautiful my sweet sweet song.

I haven't updated in a few days so there is alot to say.

I will start with the most exciting news ever. I'm going to Thailand for my outreach! It is so amazing to me how much God provided this for me. For the past couple months Thailand has been on my heart. Yesterday they announced the outreach options. Before they did that, I had taken a nap. The first thing I heard when I woke up was,
"You're going home."
I knew what God meant and I knew I was going to Thailand or India.
I also got a vision of three pillars, and the middle pillar was way above the other ones.
So I go into class and I was freaking out because I knew what was coming. The leaders go up and announce they are going to Thailand and working with prostitution and child trafficking. I started tearing up and just became so excited.
Also, thailand was the middle country they talked about going to.
I freaked out and was just soooo excited. I knew right away where God was going to send me.

My team is 17, which makes the other teams to South Korea and the States only 8. It's going to be interesting, but three of my really good friends are going for sure: Hannah, Shelby, and Nathan.

Other things i've been learning...
Yesterday this man came and talked to us about Health and how to put it in a godly way. Alot of people thought it was silly/dumb, but it actually really spoke to me. We need to workout/eat healthy/etc because God has called us to take care of our bodies and be healthy to hopefully gain more years to work for the kingdom of God. It kinda struck me because so much of my health and looks issue are rooted in selfishness.

We also learned about quiet time, discipleship, and intercession. All three things ive known about for forever, and God still spoke to me in crazy ways through them. I've been having beautiful quiet times just being focused on God and listening to Him.
Today during the intercession topic, the guy who was speaking started talking to me while he was speaking and just saying God has something for me and God was going to use me in great ways and all this stuff and then kept on talking with what he was saying. He was probably just giving an example, but God spoke directly through him to me.

-On practical notes, I think I'm actually losing weight because they have a phenomenal salad bar here. Or it could be working out with Hannah in the mornings.
-Last night we had a welcome party, that was like a middle school dance. It was hilarious.
-I turn 18 in 19 days.
-My work duty job thing is amazing. I love Dennis and T train, and we constantly are having dance party sing offs.
-My school has like 10 people so far that I know have amazing voices. It's insane.
-God speaks through wind.

Amen.